The earthquake in Haiti happened almost two years ago, but the news barely pricked through the bubble out of fame’s ass that surrounds Kim Kardoucheian when she needed something quick to cloud her image as a greedy scam artist pig whore with the morals of Satan’s pre-cum. Pimp Mama Kris went with Haiti, because it’s easy enough for Kim to pronounce and the chewed-up brain in her ass will explode out of her b-hole if she has to say a name that’s more than two syllables.
The National Enquirer said in their issue last week that just like Kim’s spirit animal Mother Teresa, she and Pimp Mama Kris stayed in a $1,000 a night presidential suite, traveled with personal photographers, wiped their hands with disinfectant jizz every time they shook a Haitian’s hand and walked in a local fashion show. Sounds about right. It also sounds about right that after each Haitian shook the hand of those she-devil heffas, they shoved their own hand into an open fire and then punched themselves with a flaming open fist for knowingly touching the claw of a demon.
But Kim is saying that The National Enquirer is spitting out lies. Pimp Mama Kris forced one of the Kuntrashian minions (you know that dumb bitch didn’t write this) to jump on Kim’s blog (via People) to explain that she was only in Haiti to do serious missionary work and to learn more about Maria Bello’s charity:
While my experience was completely life-changing… a very emotional and surprisingly positive journey that I will never forget, some media outlets have tried to tarnish the motive behind my visit and have written completely ridiculous and untrue things. The National Enquirer wrote that I went to a fashion show in Haiti and then spent a fortune pampering myself! The truth is that I was at the Haitian Artisan Fair, where the amazing men and women who make their jewelry and crafts sell them to visitors to make a living, and I bought some of their beautiful jewelry after the fashion show!! Reading this made me so disappointed in the media.
Taking such a positive thing and writing something malicious and untrue. The journalists obviously didn’t bother to do their research and instead published a ridiculous story to sell copies. I have ignored all of this until now, but because I wanted to write a few blogs about my experience, I felt I needed to address this first. I have become accustomed to dealing with rumors and lies spread about my family or my relationships, and have learned to ignore it to a certain extent. But when a magazine makes the decision to twist the truth and write lies like that, it belittles the entire experience we had in Haiti, and I won’t let them do that.
I think it’s important that I share my experiences with you all, rather than you read false reports in the media. I have some really great stories and photos from my trip and I’m so excited to share them with you all! Xo
Oh, yes, Kim. You were only in Haiti on a charity mission (the charity being YOURSELF) and to learn more. I mean, posing for pictures in Haiti is so much harder than posing for pictures on a red carpet in Las Vegas. That’s what Princess Diana used to say back in the day, and fuck, she was right. It was also so giving of you to wear 10 pounds of whore paint on your face instead of 20, so you can look really concerned and like one of the people. Such a giving hole (on purpose typo and don’t you move it).
The National Enquirer does tell lies from time to time, but I’d believe a fart out of a bull’s asshole before I’d believe anything that came out of a Kardashian’s mouth. Besides, that priceless “I know this fraudulent cunt is going to try to pass this off as charity work” side-eye the girl in the corner is throwing tells us everything we need to know.
And the person who made that necklace around Kim’s neck just earned a special place in my heart. I mean, a necklace that looks like a wooden toilet seat? This is the new portrait of perfect.