When the gods above smile down on you by throwing you into Derek Jeter’s bed chamber of love, you not only walk away knowing that you’re one of the lucky chosen ones who was filled by the greatest baseball player of all-time (which is a line you are contractually-obligated to shout out at least three times during), but you also walk away with a prize package worth at least $20. Page Six says that the morning after Derek Jeter hits a homerun into his temporary ho’s g-spot, he puts her into a waiting car where there’s a basket of autographed memorabilia waiting for her. If you do the walk of shame from Derek’s apartment twice on two different nights, you get two gift baskets! Score! Page Six’s source explained it like this:
“Derek has girls stay with him at his apartment in New York, and then he gets them a car to take them home the next day. Waiting in his car is a gift basket containing signed Jeter memorabilia, usually a signed baseball. This summer, he ended up hooking up with a girl who he had hooked up with once before, but Jeter seemed to have forgotten about the first time and gave her the same identical parting gift, a gift basket with a signed Derek Jeter baseball. He basically gave her the same gift twice because he’d forgotten hooking up with her the first time!”
Before you label Derek Jeter as a doucheario of the douchiest order, let me ask you this: What do you usually walk away with after a one-night fuck? Right. You usually walk away with either:
- A new batch of crotch friends.
- A fake phone number.
- A feeling of dirty shame festering in your loins.
- Dried coagulated cum balls stuck in your bangs.
- The question “Why did he keep telling me to smile at that weird red blinking light on top of his computer as he hit it from the back?” eating at your brain.
At least Derek Jeter gives his hos some crap they can sell on eBay. I bet he also gives them an autographed bottle of Valtrex, so they don’t have to go down to the pharmacy after discovering the other gift he gave them. See, Derek Jeter cares.