Kate Winslet is currently screaming “I’m the Queen of the woooooorld” while spinning on the crotch of Richard Branson’s nephew Ned RocknRoll, but before she was doing that she was rubbing her shit all over British hot piece Louis Dowler. The uretha in Louis’ heart (yes, we have urethra in our hearts, ask your doctor) was ejaculating hearts over Kate Winslet, but apparently she wasn’t feeling the same. When they went on what was supposed to be a romantic holiday trip to Richard Branson’s Necker Island, not only did a fire kill one of the villas, but Kate and Louis’ relationship also died a quick death that weekend. Kate met that RocknRoll bitch and she quickly dropped Louis on his hot, succulent ass. It’s been three months since Kate quit Louis for RocknRoll and he tells the Daily Mail that he’s still crying out tears onto his pecs and slathering the wetness all over his nipples (yes, I’m sure that’s what he does):
“I don’t think Kate behaved well and it is still very raw for me. I was in love with her and you can’t switch that off overnight. I’m not sure Kate treated me well. Kate came home with me to Cornwall and we just hung out together. She met my parents and family. I thought we were inseparable. I certainly haven’t found anyone else since. I don’t want to go into details but it wasn’t a straightforward break-up. I’m a laid-back guy, so I am not walking around with a long face — but I do still hold a torch for her.”
Who knew that Kate Winslet is a heartless, man-eating, shameless heart-stomping cunt slut? I think I love her now! But before I join the Kate Winslet Is A Man-Eating SCRAG BITCH fan club, I should help Louis during this difficult time. I’ll put on a Kate Winslet mask, strap two pizza dough mounds to my chicken chest and let him get some closure on….my no-no. It’s the human thing to do.