Lindsay Lohan Finally Takes A Much-Needed Vacation From Doing Nothing

Posing with your Invisible Man areolas out and scrubbing dried blood off of the linoleum floors in the morgue is exhausting work, so Lindsay Lohan’s probation officer let her go to Hawaii with her main homegirl Pootie (who would come in second place in a Karen Carpenter scarecrow look-alike contest) and the incredibly shrinking Ali Lohan (who would come in first place in a Karen Carpenter scarecrow look-alike contest) for a few days. I hear the coke there is wonderful this time of year.

Yes, the Photoshop slave laborers at Playboy who worked their fingers off while airbrushing Lindsay Lohan’s face into another dimension clearly need a vacation since they don’t have any fucking fingers anymore, but Blohan needs one to. LiLo’s “Brett Butler’s grandma after a 6-hour crack pipe smoking binge in a sweat lodge” face really needs some relaxation. (“But Michael, that scrag bitch always looks like that.” – you “Good point.” – me)

Speaking of Playboy, Hugh Hefner Twatted yesterday that because everybody has already seen the pictures of LiLo sticking out her bare nalgas while farting on Marilyn Monroe’s image, they are putting out that issue early:

Because of the interest & the Internet leak, we’re releasing the Lindsay Lohan issue early.

Due to high demand, the Playboy issue with Lindsay Lohan’s pictorial is now available on iPlayboy

Playboy paid LiLo $1 million and probably wasted another million on Photoshopping that mess, so they were hoping this issue would be their biggest seller. I would feel sorry for Hef (not really), but I’m too busy feeling sorry for the 18-year-old blond Playmate who has to try to cheer him up by raspberrying his colostomy bag hole.

And LiLo truly is a gangsta bitch. Bitch can screw a company out of a ton of money without even trying.