Give This Child All The Emmys

December 9, 2011 / Posted by:

Is X-Factor always as dramatic as a Mexican funeral? Everybody’s crying like they’re about to bury somebody. Damn. I don’t watch this anymore, but I’m about to slip it into my queue again, because this is the kind of theatrics I like to tuck myself in with at night. In case you didn’t watch this emotional disaster last night either, let me set up this mess of a clip for you. Last night’s elimination came down to 13-year-old Rachel (Simon’s contestant) and Marcus (L.A. Reid’s contestant). Simon gave his pink slip to Marcus, L.A. gave his slip to Rachel, Paula gave hers to Marcus and when it came time for that dumb ass Nicole Shitsinger to pick who she thinks should go home, she locked up.

Nicole made the same face she’s going to make in a couple of months when she’s cleaning up her dressing room after Simon fires her ass for being absolutely useless. Nicole gets paid way too much money to judge a singing show and this ho couldn’t even push a vote out of her mouth. Nicole told Rachel and Marcus that this is so hard for her, because she’s been up there before. This bottom of the barrel Apollonia impersonator can’t be serious. BITCH, you were on The WB Popstars and I think I’m the only one who remembers that (and the only one who owns an Eden’s Crush CD). Nicole couldn’t decide, so she forced the vote into deadlock by voting for Rachel. The elimination was then up to the public’s vote and they voted that 13-year-old Rachel needs to exit stage left. They voted the child out. What happened next was like a Real Housewives meltdown as seen through the eyes of Zeffirelli. That shit should be an opera!

Rachel fell to the floor, got back up and cried to her mom, “Mommy, you promised!” There is a special line at the entrance to Hell for people who laugh at children crying, so I will see you there. Rachel definitely deserves a few Emmys for this, but a special award should go to Nicole for her impressive mime work. I mean, wiping away those invisible tears? Charlie Chaplin is slow clapping up in heaven as I type this.

What a mess. Nicole Scherzinger not only stole Apollonia’s entire act, but now she’s murdering the dreams of children? Send her to the guillotine!

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