(Read this entire post in Robert Stack’s voice if you need some added dramatic intrigue in your life this morning.) Tyra Banks owes everybody who sat through endless hours of America’s Next Top Model Not-At-All-Stars a refund for explaining absolutely nothing in that slow-motion car crash of a finale. It was down to Angelea, the 716 beauty who was my personal favorite (because she works in a bank which makes her professional), Allison, the albino meerkat and Lisa who was probably the inspiration for the character of Kit De Luca in Pretty Woman.
The episode went through the usual motions. They had a CoverGirl photo shoot where Allison looked like Jessica Alba seeing for the first time (yes, I sat through The Eye and I’m not proud of it). Then they had the final runway show in Greece which had the production values of the Miss Eternia beauty pageant I held on my garage floor when I was a kid (Catra won every time). At this point, they were supposed to cut to the judging panel in Greece and show us who won that shit. That didn’t happen. Instead, we were back in L.A. and Nigel explained that Angelea was disqualified, so they had to choose a winner between Lisa and Allison. Lisa (the 45-year-old Mob Wives reject on the left) won the CoverGrandma contract and the spread in Vogue Abuelita. The CW issued this statement shortly after the mess of a finale aired:
“After production wrapped on the current cycle of America’s Next Top Model, we learned information that made Angelea ineligible and she was subsequently disqualified from the competition. As a result, new scenes were filmed to address this for the audience during the finale.”
It’s obvious that Angelea won and due to reasons unknown (MYSTERY!!!), her crown was snatched away and given to the runner-up. There’s rumors on Twitter that Angelea violated the show’s rules by bragging about her victory on Facebook shortly after the season started airing. But Rich at FourFour, my sage when it comes to all things Top Model, thinks something in the milk ain’t clean. There’s no evidence that Angela leaked the final 3 and he thinks if that was the case, Tyra would’ve humiliated that bitch on camera for ratings. I don’t know what to believe. But I do believe that Angelea doesn’t need that stupid shit. Angelea is going places (one of those places being her pied-à-terre in Port Authority).
Besides, in the insane asylum in Tyra’s head, she doesn’t see Angelea or Lisa as the winner of America’s Next Top Model All-Stars. Tyra sees TYRA as the ultimate All-Star.