And Every Single Razzie, Every Single One, Goes To…

December 7, 2011 / Posted by:

Here’s the teaser trailer for The Farrelly Brothers’ Three Stooges movie starring Sean Hayes, Will Sasso, Chris Diamantoplosomething, Sofia Vergara, Jane Lynch and JHud, and I tried to find one good thing to say about this mess, but there’s nothing. Yes, Snooki gets poked (as usual), but even that moment is ruined because it stars fucking Snooki. I can’t find one good thing.

It’s like this one time when I hooked up with some trick on Gay.com (don’t do that) and went to his house not knowing anything about him (don’t do that). He looked nothing like his pictures, his apartment was the size of an asshole, it smelled like old milk and nearly every single wall was covered with some kind of reptile in a glass aquarium. It was like Courtney Stodden’s family tree. It was horrific. That entire bleak scene made every picture on (NSFW) Lurid Digs look like it came out of Architectural Digest. I should’ve found a way to get diarrhea on the spot and run out of there. But when you’re a shameless slut, you do some fucked up shit for dick. Even ugly dick. Usually I can find one good thing to focus on, but I couldn’t this time. There was nothing. The apartment was a nightmare, his face was a nightmare, the smells were a nightmare and those amphibian creatures staring at me were a nightmare. Then when he got naked, he had the hairiest ass I’ve ever seen. It looked like a wet bear with a perm wearing a llama coat. But I did it anyway and when his ass started to bob up and down, I suddenly became afraid for my life! I was convinced those reptiles would mistake his bouncing hairy ass for a vulnerable chinchilla and then they’d break out of their glass cages to eat it. And in the process of eating that chinchilla ass, they’d eat me too. You know how much it would suck for my mother to have to tell people that her son was eaten by a reptile on the floor of some trick’s studio apartment in Herald Square? That would’ve been the worst. Never again.

I don’t know how The Three Stooges trailer made me bring up that story, but the fact that it did means that nothing good can come out of it.

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