When I was in high school, one of my friends would screw around with her ginger twat of a boyfriend almost every day after class at her house. That’s the set up. So one day I was lying on her bed and my eyes caught a glimmery pile of what I thought was orange thread, but it was actually her dude’s pubes scattered on her top sheet. The first line that came out of my mouth was something like, “Clean that shit up, you nasty whore.” She looked at me seriously and said, “I like to sleep on top of his red pubes at night. It makes me feel close to him.” I mean… If Romeo was a ginge, Shakespeare would’ve made Juliet recite that line to her nurse. So now whenever I think of pubes of fire, I think of my high school friend spooning a pile of them in her bed, which leads me to this story about Olympic-winning snowboarder Shaun White….
TMZ says that in the near future you might get a few pieces of Shaun White’s naked ass body, because someone is trying to sell pictures of him to the highest bidder. The pictures were apparently taken at a party back in 2009. In one picture, Shaun is completely clothed and making out with some chick. In a second picture, Shaun and the chick are naked and hugging on top of a bed. TMZ has seen the pictures and want you to know that yes, Shaun’s also got a wild red fern growing out of his crotch. The carpet matches the drapes.
Shaun White looks like the love child of my two favorite things on this planet (Carrot Top and Night Mare from Casper), so of course I want to eat these pictures with my eyes. I bet his crotch looks like an uncooked dough cigar lying on a bed of saffron and I bet his ass looks like tiny people carrying torches up a snowy mountain cap. Yes, I bet his ass hairs are legendary! Stick a thermometer in me, because I’m already getting the fevah!