Lip and eyelid abuser Kristen Stewart has Michelle Trachtenberg to thank for having everything a ho could ever want including millions of dollars shoved into her chain wallet and a loving boyfriend who she is contractually obligated to lick on until the last Twilight movies comes out on DVD. Michelle bragged to UsWeekly that the director of the first Twilight movie, Catherine Hardwicke, handed her the role of Bella Swan, but she was much too busy doing I don’t even know what and so she dropped it into Kristen’s Styrofoam donation cup. Oh, and Michelle also turned down a role in Thirteen. That Michelle Trachtenberg, bitch is so busy turning down roles that she obviously doesn’t have time to ever accept a role.
Michelle made the right choice. Why do a piece of shit movie series that would’ve made her beyond rich when she can do a piece of shit movie where she gets to inhale the aromatic Maybelline syrup that seeps out of Zac Efron’s pores (see: 17 Again)? Michelle is the real winner here. This is what Michelle had to say about her part in the making of Mouth Breather Stewart:
“There was definitely interest here and there because there’s only so few pale girls in Hollywood,” she explained.
“I’ve known [director] Catherine Hardwicke since the movie Thirteen,” she said. “I was actually supposed to star in that, but I was on Buffy at the time.” (Hardwicke, who went on to directed the very first Twilight film in 2009, directed the saga’s star Nikki Reed in the 2003 drama and Evan Rachel Wood played the film’s primary character. Reed cowrote the gritty screenplay.)
So why did Reed, Kristen Stewart and Ashley Greene end up as Breaking Dawn’s leading ladies instead of Trachtenberg? “I guess schedules never worked out,” she explained.
“I already have Buffy,” she added. “I’ve already done the vampire thing.”
I always love it when actors are like, “I could’ve had that bitch!” But you didn’t, ho, and now you have to work with Blake Lively! Truthfully, Michelle would’ve never worked out. Bella is as bland as the paper she was created on, so Kristen Stewart is a perfect choice.
And here’s Michelle awkwardly trying to get away from a dude who is my first choice for the role of Edward when Twilight gets remade in two years.