All The Ladies Fall In Love With Tommy

An Australian woman named Valeska Paris used to be a member of Tommy Girl’s Happy Time Fun Church Of Crazy (aka Scientology) and is now talking to the media about how she was pretty much forced into doing slave labor on the organization’s cruise ship called Freewinds (not to be confused with Rosie O’Donnell’s Big Gay Cruise). Valeska was allegedly sent to work on the ship as punishment after her mom quit Scientology. For 12 years, Valeska slaved away for up to 18 hours a day on the ship’s lower levels and was treated like shit out of a Thetan’s ass by Scientology’s head bitch in charge David Miscaviage. Valeska somehow got away and even though she’s permanently scarred and can’t even watch a Carnival cruise ship commercial without busting into a panic attack, she has amazing stories to tell. Some of those stories came from the time she worked Tommy Girl’s big gay birthday extravaganzaaaaaa in 2004. Nobody brings the crazy like Scientology so you know this shit is going to be good.

Valeska tells the Village Voice (via The Superficial) that before his imperial space highness beamed down onto the ship, the slaves were told to only address him as “sir” and to not ask him for an autograph. The party was basically a giant finger banging Tommy in the butt. It was a Tom Cruise-theme party and there posters of his movies everywhere and the band played songs from his movies (except the ones he did with Nicole Kidman). But Valeska didn’t even get to work Tommy’s birthday party because her lip committed an act of treason:

“David Miscavige saw that I had a cold sore, and I was assigned to lower conditions and I was put in isolation for 4 days,” she says. She explains that she was assigned the “condition” of “Treason,” which is below “Enemy” but above “Confusion.”
“I was in Treason. So I wasn’t allowed to go to Tom Cruise’s birthday.”

So that’s why Katie “Herp Sore” Holmes always looks like she’s been chained to a steam pipe for days on an end. Because she has!

Valeska wasn’t the only woman on the ship who got punished:

And she says three young women from the IASA—the administration of the International Association of Scientologists—were disciplined after the party. “They were trying to get Tom’s attention. So they were put in the engine room.”

They really should’ve just put all of the women in the engine room at the beginning of the party, because we all know how pussies burst out a tsunami of barley cream every time Tommy sashays around. David Miscaviage knows this and warned the females of the crew before Tommy arrived:

“He said, ‘Tom Cruise is coming and I need really good service, so who’s going to serve him?’ A woman spoke up. ‘No, no, it can’t be a woman, because he’s so good looking, any woman would fall for him.’ So a guy had to take the job,” she says.

If you gathered a million people in the same place and told that line, their full body laughs would send the earth flying into Xenu’s volcano. They should make wallpaper with that line on it and cover the closet walls with it. Yeah, Tommy can’t get near any woman or they will instantly fall in love with him, which is why he only surrounds himself with hot man pieces. “Sorry, I can’t fuck you, because you have a vagina and you’ll instantly fall in love with me” is probably a line Tommy used often. Well played, Tommy!

Here’s a video from Tommy’s birthday party of him trying to sing with The X-Factor’s Stacy Francis. This is like that awkward moment during your office holiday party when you realize that your drunk co-worker who is acting the fool isn’t drunk, he’s just naturally fucking crazy.

If I was at that party, I’d find a way to give myself a cold sore so I could be banished to the damn engine room and put out of my misery.

And here’s Tommy sweating his pit Thetans off with Brad Bird and Paula Patton at the press conference for Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol in Tokyo today. All you women folk, don’t stare too long or else you’ll fall in loooooove.