Detective La Toya is letting out a strong soprano howl of vindication over Dr. Con getting the maximum prison sentence, but there’s more important shit to discuss like whether or not you’d let Donny Deutsch stick his slimy tongue in you. Every time Donny comes on Today in the morning, the voices in my head oil wrestle with each other over whether or not my fuck parts should start puckering or run up into my body like they just read the words: “Ke$ha nudes.”
On one hand (aka my non-fappin’ hand), douche should really be spelled D-E-U-T-S-C-H and he looks like the kind of selfish son of a dick who will pinch your genitals if you were about to cum before him. Just look at these pictures of Donny in Miami over the weekend. Donny’s nipples look like scabs without their skins and he’s wearing sneakers on the beach. If I asked my confidante Siri what dick cheese looks like when you magnify it, this picture would come up.
On the other hand (aka my fappin’ hand), there’s something about Donny that makes me want to shut the shades and shame fap myself into a puddle of tears. It’s probably that silver rug on his head. Why does the silver mop always get me? Don’t even get me started on Dan Abrams’ gross ass. Ugh. I need help. Ayúdame!