Remember when the knot of coagulated cholesterol in your chest liquefied into a puddle of sorrow over the story of the Russian ginger seal baby who faced starving to death because everyone in his family is a huge racist seal cunt? They refused to hunt with him because he’s of the gingers. Well, he’s just moved into his new home at Russia’s Akvatoria Dolphinarium and it turns out he’s got a seal poon instead of a seal peen. He’s a she! (Side note: Ginger seal pup and I have more in common than I thought, because you don’t know how many times I heard “She’s a HE!” every time I walked into a men’s bathroom as a child.)
The dolphinarium has named the Rojo Caliente of seals “Nafanya” after some cartoon character she sort of, kind of, not really looks like. Nafanya is currently in quarantine and will move in with the other seals in about a month. The seal wranglers already gathered the other seals around and let them know that Nafanya is as precious as a Prince Hot Ginge nipple hair and they better treat her with love or else they’ll be shoved into a shark costume and forced to pose in a photo-op with self-proclaimed shark savior January Jones. (Okay, I made that up, but the Akvatoria Dolphinarium has my permission to use that idea if need be.)
A quick second after Nafanya moved into the dolphinarium, she became a huge star and hos from all around are coming to see her. The head of the dolphinarium said this about their newest star:
“She has a playful nature. She loves to play with her toy – a small blue ball. But what she likes the most its to play with a fish at feeding time. She will follow it, catch it, put it in her mouth, release it and finally eat it. Nafanya is such a lovely animal and is certainly not afraid of people. We cannot yet let her swim with our other creatures as she is on a month-long quarantine, but we will do later. We will make sure she has a happy life in our dolphinarium.”
The best part of all of this is that Nafanya has her own webcam. It’s like 2008 all over again! But instead of spending all of my waking hours watching Shiba Inus sleep, fart, sleep, eat, sleep, bark, sleep, fart and sleep, I’ll be watching a ginger seal sleep, fart, sleep, eat, sleep, bark, sleep, fart and sleep.
And I really hope that in the picture above Nafanya is not throwing us a “Fuck me, I’m the new Knut” side-eye of impending doom.
via Daily Mail