Just like every good Christian girl, 17-year-old Courtney Stodden gave herself tromp l’oeil cleavage with the bronzer of Christ and shoved her iguana feet into too-small prayin’ heels to thank Jesus for clear bra straps at her church yesterday. You know, I don’t go to church because the wine they serve is way too fucking weak, but if this ethereal Komodo Slut Dragon slithered in, I’d find a way to turn my pew around to worship at her suffocating feet and the 90s relic wrapped around her arm. God would understand, because when he created humans, he hoped that we would evolve into mortal goddesses whose prized possession is a Victoria’s Secret charge card. Just like Courtney.
I bet when the collection plate came around, everybody threw dollar bills at Courtney instead. Can I get an AMEN (and a police officer, because I’m pretty sure Courtney stole the purse my mom bought at Fedco in the 80s)?