Angie Lets Her Crazy Hang Out In The Open

“Locks kids in bedrooms while she gets drunk…” Isn’t that called a natural human maternal instinct? If you’re not old enough to know that “on the rocks” is for amateurs since ice just gets in the way, then be gone with you. Go upstairs and blast your happy little music, because the last thing I need is some child messing with my buzz by crying when I start breaking empty bottles on the floor lamp for looking at me funny. Hiccup. Burp. Crash. But apparently, St. Angie’s former assistant thinks that banishing your kids to their bedrooms during “mommy time” is considered crazy. Yup, that assistant is the kind of bitch who will judge with their eyes when you piss in the kitchen sink, because your legs are too drunk to make it the hallway bathroom.

In this week’s holiday week issue (aka The ‘We’re Out Of This Bitch Early So Just Make Shit Up” issue) of InTouch Weekly, one of Angie’s assistant says that she may come off as the epitome of calm when the cameras are around, but when she’s out of the public eye her true colors (every color being a bright shade of INSANE) break out of their straitjacket and come out to play. The source puts it like this: “She tries to hide it, but she has a crazy side to her that’s beyond just being quirky. In the end, she just can’t hide the crazy.”

The source also says that she may no longer wear a vial of blood around her neck, but she’s still finding creative ways to creep everyone out. They say Angie saves all of her childrens’ scabs and locks herself down in the basement for hours on end:

“When Angelina’s kids get cuts and scrapes, she saves their discarded bandages in a large jar,” the friend reveals to In Touch. “She thinks she’s being edgy and artistic, but to others, she just seems weird. She thinks she’s being edgy and artistic, but to others, she just seems weird.

She locks herself in the basement every day and exercises for hours. No one is to bother her during that time.”

Burrows herself in the basement for hours and keeps a jar of grossness? I’ve seen this episode of American Horror Story before. Bitch ain’t putting a six pack on her arm veins or trying to make her bones skinnier by running on the treadmill for hours. Bitch is making the ultimate super Brangelina child using the dirty Band-Aids from all of her children. It’s going to have cheeks likes Shiloh, an up-eye like Zahara, anime hair like Maddox, the ability to float like Pax and the majestic angel wings of the twin messiah. Angie’s going to call it ShiZa MaPaViNo, or “GOD” for short. This brings a whole new terrifying meaning to the term “Band-Aid baby.”