The subtle fuckery purveyors at Mattel have given me another YAAASSS!! moment and once again untucked the envelope in my head that releases all my inner tingles by telling us with a wink that Barbie has a fairy secret. Copyranter seems to think that Barbie just fluttered out of the Malibu Dream House closet and is bumping plastic crotches with a new Ellen Degeneres Barbie. But unfortunately, I don’t think we’re going to get a Scissor Barbie anytime soon, because I don’t think that’s what Barbie’s secret is. That jawline…. The extra twinkle in Ken’s eye like he’s finally got something meaty to rub his teeth bar on (Side note: It always bothered me as a kid that Ken never had teeth marks. It looks like his mouth is pushing out a sliver of jizz, which actually makes sense now that I put it like that.)
Yes, what I’m saying is that BARBIE’S GOT A DICK! Now, if Mattel pairs Fairy Secret Barbie with Magic Cock Ring Ken, I’ll have my new favorite power couple.