St. Angie Almost Died, Or Something

November 22, 2011 / Posted by:

On this Sunday’s 60 Minutes, St. Angie Jo talks about how long before she was a world-saving whisper of a waif whose zero calorie queefs are saved in vials and worshipped by Brangeloonies, she was a rebel bitch who liked to do bad things. (You know, back when the bitch was fun!) Angie says that she hit the dark side so hard that she almost kissed death because of it. I don’t know if she’s talking about her dragon chasing days or the time she licked on Billy Bob Thornton’s taint in the bright light while completely sober. Probably the latter. And here’s some quotes:

On how our lord lifted her from the darkness, put a halo on her head and made her the saint she is today: “I went through heavy, darker times and I survived them. I didn’t die young, so I’m very lucky. There are other artists and people who didn’t survive certain things.”

On the “certain things” she’s talking about: “I think people can imagine that I did the most dangerous and I did the worst, and for many reasons I shouldn’t be here. You think of those too many times where you came close to too many dangerous things, too many chances taken too far.”

On some shit that will make Maddox shout out GRODY!!!: “I’m still a bad girl. I still have that side of me. It’s just in its place now. … It belongs to Brad.”

Yes, Angie, please show Brad how “bad” you can be. Beat the fleas out of him, throw him into a Hazmat bath, handcuff him to the faucet, whip him with a soap on a rope and just when he’s begging you to stop, CONDITION HIS HAIR! Yes, Angie, get that bad on that bitch. Because if he gets any greasier, my abuelita’s going to have to throw him in an empty jar, store him under her sink and only bring him out for when she cooks plátanos fritos.

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