Because JLo no longer has to face the controlling Puerto Rican wrath Skeletor vomits out at her every time she flop fucks the stage like a Real Housewife mermaid in heat, she went pussy-out wild at last night’s AMAs. I thoroughly believe that there is no retirement age for doing ho shit, so I have no words of hate for 42-year-old JLo shoving her Thanksgiving dinner for 12 all over Pitbull’s bulge. (Side note: Even though Pitbull’s peen probably tastes like Drakkar Noir and he uses his own spit as lube, I’d still let him bite, lockjaw or whatever me. I so would. Judge me or report me to the ASPCA all you want.)
JLo started her performance by earning another Razzie for her staged breakdown and then she continued to strip like a lunch shift stripper until all she had on was Brit Brit’s streched-out bodysuit. For real, though, JLo’s performance was really nothing more than a joint commercial for Fiat and her liberated vagina. I kept waiting for this bitch to run over a Skeletor cardboard cutout with her Fiat to really drive the point into our brains.
We get it. JLo wants all of us to buy a car that costs less than her annual labia bleaching bill and she’s HORNY! Keep fucking that Fiat, JLo, but nobody’s ever going to believe that you actually drive one of those things when a camera isn’t around.