Justin Bieber Finally Got Swabbed

Radar has it on good authority that Justin Bieber took a DNA test in New Jersey this past Friday and will have the results by the end of this week. Justin’s lawyers are now waiting for Mariah Yeater to cough up the DNA results from her baby. A little last minute advice to Mariah from me: swab the vagina of a Wuggle Pet! It’ll be a match!

A source tells Radar that unfortunately Maury was not around to oversee Justin’s DNA test, but it was still done with exact precision and they even gave him a strawberry kiwi lolly afterward since he was such a good boy about it. The source went on to say, “Justin took a DNA test on Friday night. The whole process lasted less than 10 minutes. It’s an extremely reputable facility, and there are surveillance cameras everywhere to ensure tests are done with integrity and can’t be compromised. Justin’s test should be processed and completed by the end of the week. It’s time for Mariah to put up or shut up.”

FINALLY. The results won’t match and then Mariah will be shuffled off to a prison for dumb bitches or she’ll be fed to Beliebers. Either or. And then our international nightmare will finally be over. Wait. Why do I hear silence followed by the eery cackle of a baby Belieber in its crib? Is that creepy giggle of impending doom telling me that someone at the DNA facility is going to use that swab to clone an army of Justin Biebers that will destroy us with their tiny pitiful staches? We’ll have no choice but to surrender, because how can we fight against a fetus with a stache? No, seriously, what is Justin Bieber doing with that stache? I’ve seen anuses with more impressive mustaches. Justin didn’t grow that stache, he just stuck around during Selena’s Brazilian and wiped one of her hairy wax strips over his upper lip.

When your girlfriend can probably grow a thicker stache than you, just don’t even try it.

Here’s the two Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruities getting breakfast at IHOP this morning.