Hot Slut Of The Day!

November 21, 2011 / Posted by:

Mrs. Edith Susskind, the Grand Dame of Staten Island AND the Grand Dame of Pink Hair (cut to Nicki Minaj burning all of her pink wigs and Katy Perry dipping her head in a bowl of black hair dye)!

This past Sunday’s New York Times profiles a legendary icon of Staten Island who washed up on the shores inside of a pearl oyster 91 years ago and has been ruling the social scene there ever since. If you were thinking that the Staten Island social scene consisted of greasy guidos in sleeveless shirts guzzling on Staten Island daiquiris (aka Slushies and low shelf vodka) in the parking lot of the 7-Eleven, then slap yourself with a peacock feather boa for being ignorant as shit!

Mrs. Edith and her husband (who took the ferry to Heaven 15 years ago) opened a gift shop in Staten Island in 1957 and it’s still open, but nowadays she spends her time ruling court at such fine establishments as the lobby of the Hilton Garden Inn. The other ladies who lunch have nothing but plastic pearls of praise to say about Mrs. Edith:

Nancy Carbone: “Edith Susskind — the woman is a landmark and a legend. She’s a Staten Island icon — she’s everything rolled up into one.”

Heidi Tamburrino: “She’s the Paris Hilton of the elderly — she’s famous for being famous.”

The Times couldn’t confirm, but they did hear a whisper that shortly after Ms. Tamburrino compared Edith to a wonk-eyed irrelevant septic tank skeezer, her regular corner table at Outback Steakhouse was snatched away. This past Friday night, Heidi asked for her usual table and was told to wait before being handed a vibrating pager as Mrs. Edith whizzed by in a tornado of Jean Nate and BETRAYAL!

Although, Edith is modest about being the Queen of Staten Island: “They fuss over me because I’m still here.” No, they fuss over her because it looks like she gets the cotton candy wave on her head done at the Lollipop Guild Salon and her beautiful face is what you see when you peer into the center of a flower in Whoville. That is why!

I fully expect that New York City will pay homage to Mrs. Edith by erecting a figurehead of her likeness on the bow of the Staten Island Ferry.

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