The Shocking News That Nobody Saw Coming

November 17, 2011 / Posted by:

My fingers are practically numb with shock so I’ll let Demi Moore knock the breath out of your being by giving you the news that has caused the CDC to issue a high alert now that Ashton Kutcher (the one wearing a huge black fur tampon cap in the picture above) is finally free to bareback as many hos as he wants out in the open.

“It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that I have decided to end my six-year marriage to Ashton. As a woman, a mother and a wife there are certain values and vows that I hold sacred, and it is in this spirit that I have chosen to move forward with my life.

This is a trying time for me and my family, and so I would ask for the same compassion and privacy that you would give to anyone going through a similar situation.”

Well, there comes a time in every mother’s life when she has to let her child go out into the world by himself, so this makes sense.

But somehow this statement from Demi feels empty without a picture of her posing in her divorcin’ bikini in front of her bathroom mirror. And I think what she really meant to say is: This is what my stupid ass gets for marrying the douchehole from Punk’d.

UPDATE: Ashton said this eye roll-inducing shit on Twitter: “Marriage is one of the most difficult things in the world and unfortunately sometimes they fail. Love and Light, AK” Every time an asshole signs off with “love and light,” hate and darkness eats a kitten.

via People

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