Bradley Cooper’s orthodontist poster smiler and his always glistening coke eyes are blessing People Magazine this week and it’s not for a glorious “Yup, I’m Gay!” cover. It’s not even for a “World’s Sexiest Beard Wrangler” cover. People could’ve dropped a fire in all our no-nos (yes, I’m speaking for all of us again) by giving Prince Hot Ginge the title or they could’ve dropped more fuel into Pimp Mama Kris’ money-hungry charcoal heart by putting the crown on Khloe Kardashian’s head, but they went with B. Coop of all hos. I smell a Garber! If you go to Google Earth right now, type in “People’s World Sexiest Man ballot stuffing,” it will dramatically pan down into a Manhattan office and show you a clear shot of Victor Garber throwing you a wink while sitting on the ballot box. I’ve always said that it’s Victor Garber’s world and we’re just living in it, so I can’t be mad.
People says they chose B. Coop over serial panty creamer Ryan Gosling, because he’s a major mommy boy, a Georgetown graduate and can butter everyone’s baguettes by speaking the French. People also forgot to say that they really chose B. Coop, because his publicist promised to give them the sloppiest blowjob in the form of future exclusives.
After last year’s Mister World’s Sexiest Man Ryan Reynolds handed B. Coop a bouquet of roses, slipped a sash over his chest and straightened his crown, he gave this acceptance speech:
“I think it’s really cool that a guy who doesn’t look like a model can have this [title]. I think I’m a decent-looking guy. Sometimes I can look great, and other times I look horrifying.”
Other dudes who made the list include: Gosling, Brian Williams, Liam Hemsworth, Justin Theroux, Idris Elba, Joel McHale, Chris Evans, Jason Momoa, Alec Baldwin (???????), Dylan McDermott and Tim McGraw.
To me, B. Coop is about as sexy as a soft dick in a used condom, but anything that gives Victor Garber the tingles gives me the tingles.