“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!OOOO!!!OO!O!” is the only thing my keyboard can scream out over the devastating news that Mariah Yeater has tiptoed into the courthouse to quietly cancel her paternity suit against Justin Bieber and she’s no longer asking him to spit out some DNA to prove that he is the father of her baby friend. There will be no Maury after-school special. Justin will not join the cast of next season’s Teen Mom. The Lesbeaver’s kingdom dam (kingdam?) will not come crumbling down from the sonic boom sound of a million crazed Beliebers coo bawling out of their diapers. There goes Bieber’s butch bitch cred and there goes the scandal that was supposed to put a skid mark on the House of Beliebers! Even Mariah’s baby looks disappointed about the fact that he’ll never be a Eater-Beaver.
TMZ reports that Mariah took back the lawsuit last week right before her skeeze bag lawyers dropped her ass. The Lesbeaver was supposed to get DNAed today and planned to sue Mariah for telling lies. Mariah’s case fell apart as soon as one of her ex-boyfriends claimed that she accused him of fathering her baby a second before she fame whored her way into the tabloids. Mariah continued to prove that she sucks at scheming when she went on The Insider and claimed she had proof she couldn’t reveal at that time. Womp. Womp. So that’s that.
Either two things happened: Mariah is insane and made it all up for a quick cashiers check from The Insider and Star. Or Mariah is still insane and Justin cracked open his piggy bank and emptied it out onto her open palms so she can go away. Whatever the case may be, one thing still remains. Us bitter queen losers who live for a scandal like this have been robbed.
Oh, well. The silver lining here is that at least I got to use this picture of Justin Bieber looking like a penis after a botched circumcision left it with raggedy ass foreskin.