The microwaved celery stalk that is Ashley Greene showed up to last night’s Breaking Dawn premiere in L.A. with a giant red lace tampon cozy on her body and a look on her face like she just assumes the voice of Chris de Burgh flew into everyone’s heads as soon as they laid eyes on her. But this basic bland bitch’s bubble burst (Note: I’ll wait here while you untwist your eyes) and her insides turned the color of her last name when she heard the sound of dozens of man anuses puckering at the sight of Jackson Rathbone(r). Jackson looked like Tim Curry in The Worst Witch going to a vampire pimp ball. Cotton can have a seat, because crushed velvet is truly the fabric of our lives.
Where does one even get a red crushed velvet suit in the year 2011? Did Jackson time travel back to the late 80s to buy that magnificent suit at a Chess King? Did Jackson skin a 90s Christmas stocking? Did he go through Kelly Bundy’s dirty laundry basket and steal her best crushed velvet dresses? The last one makes the most sense, because Jackson and crushed velvet totally go together like a horse and carriage.
Jackson knows it too. Bitch is making faces like he wants to kidnap and molest himself. And that isn’t makeup on Jackson’s face. That’s the cum powder his eyes jizzed up as soon as he looked in the mirror. We’ll leave you and your crushed red velvet suit alone, Jackson.