IMPORTANT (Not Really) UPDATE: Brad Pitt Is Not Retiring In Three Years

November 15, 2011 / Posted by:

The future of cinema stood on a chair and slipped its head in a noose yesterday when Benjamin Buttons declared that he’ll turn in his SAG card when his 50th birfday rolls around in 3 years. Crazed Brangeloonies who can’t leave their houses due to a court order hired professional mourners to weep at the Hollywood sign and the MGM lion let out a “WHY ME?!!!!” roar. Well, everybody can get off the ledge, because Brad Pitt was just talking out of his bong again. During a press conference in South Korea for his movie Testicle Bank, Brad told everyone to calm their assholes, because bitch ain’t retiring. From The Telegraph:

“I wasn’t actually putting an exact deadline on my expiration date [in Australia’s 60 Minutes interview], but I see it coming. I just have other interests and I do quite enjoy the production side,” he said.

He also added that given the choice, he would take the wisdom that comes with ageing, over youth.
“Me, personally I like ageing. With age comes wisdom and I have said it before and I say it again, I will take wisdom over youth any day. I think certainly, being a father has changed everything for me as far as perspective and interest, taking care of myself and wanting to be around for them,” he said.

What Brad should’ve said is, “I WAS STONED OFF MY BRAINZ!” Before that 60 Minutes interview, Brad smoked so much of the good shit that his mouth lips when numb and his ass had to do the talking yet again. I understand. I do that on this blog every day. That’s why Brad’s dumb ass should think, and then ask a publicist to approve it, before he speaks.

And call me new-fashioned, but doesn’t “taking care” of yourself involve getting your hair degreased at Jiffy Lube every now and again? Believe it or not, “Diane Keaton as Pig Pen” is not the look. No offense to Diane Keaton and Pig Pen.

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62 responses to “IMPORTANT (Not Really) UPDATE: Brad Pitt Is Not Retiring In Three Years”

  1. Echo27 says:

    His ombre hair color is giving me Khloe Kardashian vibes.

  2. Dallas says:

    Damn, his arms must be getting tired from backstroking! Campaigning for the almighty OSCAR must get so tiresome…

    Give it up Bradley, you will finally get that Oscar only as a Lifetime Achievement Award.

  3. guest says:

    *yawns*

    ******************

    Submitted by DirtyWhoreMouth on Sat, 06/11/2011 – 9:32am.
    It’s ok to be a redneck by the way.. just don’t yell git ‘er done because we all hate that.

  4. letinstar says:

    who cares…
    _____________________________________________
    “The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.” —
    Roseanne Barr

  5. M.E. says:

    *scratches Provy’s balls*

    Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd….

  6. jack-n-the-hat says:

    *climbs back down from George Washington bridge*
    _____________________________________________
    “Dog, Jack drinks exclusively at the Braille Bar.” EastEndGirl, 11/01/2011

  7. MadgesVadge says:

    Seems to me that as of late, Brad’s got a Curious Case of Diarrhea of The Mouth.

    ———————————————–
    “I have a very poor way of concealing my dislike of people and/or things.” — Evil_Cupcake’s Mom

  8. Desert Rose says:

    The only film he was ever good in was Fight Club. I could care less about anything else he has done.

  9. Manimal5 says:

    *takes back handicapped parking space*

  10. Datura says:

    I guess I’ll have to cancel that going away party I was throwing in three years. If only he’d retracted right way. I wouldn’t have put all the invitations in the mail yesterday…

    *~~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~~~*
    Masturbation is not a GD game of Clue, there is no reason to head to the broom closet with a rope and a lead pipe. –michelleb

  11. Manimal5 says:

    *cancels where are they now special on VH1*

  12. Datura says:

    Submitted by ba-buttons on Tue, 11/15/2011 – 1:01pm.

    Super ick-tastic gross was him wanting to discuss my sex life with his daughter, complete with helpful “Well, her mother came like a porn star when I did this, maybe you two should try it…”
    ———————————–

    Oh, wow. Gross!

    Were you dating Jessica Simpson?

    *~~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~~~*
    Masturbation is not a GD game of Clue, there is no reason to head to the broom closet with a rope and a lead pipe. –michelleb

  13. guest says:

    speaking of diane keaton, I’m bored with her aw shucks ya wanta f*uck I’m not that kinda girl schtick, even tho I like her movies.

    ******************

    Submitted by DirtyWhoreMouth on Sat, 06/11/2011 – 9:32am.
    It’s ok to be a redneck by the way.. just don’t yell git ‘er done because we all hate that.

  14. Courtney Stodden says:

    Submitted by ba-buttons on Tue, 11/15/2011 – 1:01pm.

    Nice look there, player.

    He totally reminds me of the father of this girl I dated a few years ago. He and her mother had divorced very late in their marriage and he was having one of those ultra-sad, post-mid-life crises.

    His hair looked just like Brad’s – too long for a grown man with cheesy highlights. And every outfit included black t-shirt under black leather sports coat (which apparently had been soaked overnight in ‘Eternity for Men’).

    The creepiest part was that he latched onto me thinking I would be his winger or something. Gross was listening to him go on about his conquests of paunchy, 50 yr old divorcees – with his daughter sitting right there.

    Super ick-tastic gross was him wanting to discuss my sex life with his daughter, complete with helpful “Well, her mother came like a porn star when I did this, maybe you two should try it…”

    Do you have this fella’s number lying around anywhere by chance???

  15. Dog says:

    I think he realized how little anyone cared so he ran back in and yelled “Psyche!”

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    http://www.charitywater.org

    http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com

    http://www.modestneeds.org

  16. MissAnnThrope says:

    This may not be his best look, but he’s still hotter than 98% of,oh, EVERYONE. His hair is not greasy, its long and hippie-ish. I personally don’t care if I ever see him in a movie again. Boring. Meh.

  17. wise onion rings says:

    That lesbian soccer player wig isn’t doing much for poor Bradley’s war-torn face.

  18. oceanlover998 says:

    …he looks just like this girl I used to work with…

    …think I’ll call her up for Christmas drinks soon…that chick was alright…

    _______________________________________________
    …’we want money’ – Doug and Courtney Hutchison’s hacker…

  19. Manimal5 says:

    *removes BYE GOOD tattoos*

  20. M.E. says:

    *takes down Legends of the Fall shrine*

  21. oh dave says:

    I see exactly what he’s doing. That hair is going to morph into a “Rachel” (isn’t that what Jennifer Aniston’s hair was called?)!!! He’s showing everyone that he’s prettier and better and smarter. He might steal Justin!
    http://burning-plastic.tumblr.com/

  22. Sweetas says:

    *stops NGAF and goes back to NGAF*

  23. jack-n-the-hat says:

    Submitted by Manimal5 on Tue, 11/15/2011 – 1:32pm.
    *removes BYE GOOD tattoos*
    ————

    HAHAHAHAHAHAA!!

    *removes noose, stops masturbating and steps out of closet* oh wait
    _____________________________________________
    “Dog, Jack drinks exclusively at the Braille Bar.” EastEndGirl, 11/01/2011

  24. M.E. says:

    OUCH! In more important news. I just got a paper cut under my pinky finger nail. 🙁

  25. Rocket says:

    “Hair degreased at jiffy lube” lol

  26. cake coke and cock says:

    LOL @ Jack and the bridge. Hey did anyone watch that documentary about the suicides on the San Francisco bridge? No, it’s not funny, I just remembered. *cries*

    ————————————————-
    Don’t make me quote Nabokov at you. I’ll do it. I promise.

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