IMPORTANT (Not Really) UPDATE: Brad Pitt Is Not Retiring In Three Years

November 15, 2011 / Posted by:

The future of cinema stood on a chair and slipped its head in a noose yesterday when Benjamin Buttons declared that he’ll turn in his SAG card when his 50th birfday rolls around in 3 years. Crazed Brangeloonies who can’t leave their houses due to a court order hired professional mourners to weep at the Hollywood sign and the MGM lion let out a “WHY ME?!!!!” roar. Well, everybody can get off the ledge, because Brad Pitt was just talking out of his bong again. During a press conference in South Korea for his movie Testicle Bank, Brad told everyone to calm their assholes, because bitch ain’t retiring. From The Telegraph:

“I wasn’t actually putting an exact deadline on my expiration date [in Australia's 60 Minutes interview], but I see it coming. I just have other interests and I do quite enjoy the production side,” he said.

He also added that given the choice, he would take the wisdom that comes with ageing, over youth.
“Me, personally I like ageing. With age comes wisdom and I have said it before and I say it again, I will take wisdom over youth any day. I think certainly, being a father has changed everything for me as far as perspective and interest, taking care of myself and wanting to be around for them,” he said.

What Brad should’ve said is, “I WAS STONED OFF MY BRAINZ!” Before that 60 Minutes interview, Brad smoked so much of the good shit that his mouth lips when numb and his ass had to do the talking yet again. I understand. I do that on this blog every day. That’s why Brad’s dumb ass should think, and then ask a publicist to approve it, before he speaks.

And call me new-fashioned, but doesn’t “taking care” of yourself involve getting your hair degreased at Jiffy Lube every now and again? Believe it or not, “Diane Keaton as Pig Pen” is not the look. No offense to Diane Keaton and Pig Pen.

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