Amanda Woodward And Dr. Peter Burns Will Not Fake Their Deaths And Get Married On A Beach After All

Heather Locklear and Jack Wagner are rewriting history according to Aaron Spelling by NOT getting married before walking into the sunset together as the final Melrose Place credits roll. Heather and Jack made the 90s teenager in me put on a velvet choker (with a cameo charm, of course) and do the Rumpshaker after they announced three months ago that they are getting married. Then out of nowhere, Heather’s spokeswhore came strolling out of their office, threw up their hands and casually said, “Look, they’re not engaged anymore. Get over it.” Just like that. JUST LIKE THAT. Can you believe that nonchalant shit?

No explanation. No “to be continued…..” sign. No dramatic music which leads us to believe that this break-up is just part of their ultimate plan to fake their deaths and then run away to a deserted island so they can be together forever in peace. I’d even believe it if the rep told us that Heather and Jack were just sick of the “two balloons rubbing together” noise they made every time they kissed on each other’s plastic faces. But nothing. Some of us have followed their love affair for OUR ENTIRE LIVES (I’m lying for dramatic effect) and this is how they treat us? This is how they treat their own family who they don’t know and isn’t really related to them by blood?

I would hate Jack Wagner, but I am not capable of doing so due to the simple fact that he did this once:

Heather on the other hand is no lady of my heart. Here’s Heather at last night’s Breaking Dawn premiere posing with her daughter like everything’s just rainbow-farting peaches. THE AUDACITY!