Brad Pitt Will Retire From Acting In Three Years

In “How Will We EVAH Go On?!” news, Brad Pitt dramatically announced that he will take his final bow on the acting stage in three years when he turns 50. After Brad declared his date with retirement, he held up his arms and prepared himself for the booming sound of crazed Brangeloonies ripping their straitjackets off with their bare teeth to run up to the Hollywood sign and push it down the hill while proclaiming that the world of cinema is dead now that their king is no longer going to grace the silver screen. But that didn’t happen. The only sound Brad heard was the sound of the lone bonghead in the room quietly weeping to himself, because now it looks like we’ll never get a sequel to the stoner masterpiece Cool World.

During an interview with Australia’s 60 Minutes (via E! News), Brad was asked how many more years of doing acting shit does he have in him. Brad said, “Three years. I am really enjoying the producing side and development of stories and putting those pieces together. Getting stories to the plate that might have had a tougher times otherwise.”

Brad also says that he doesn’t know if they’re going to add another member to the holy child army.

HOBO, PLEASE! I see what Brad is trying to do here. Sorry, Brad, basically saying that we better cherish every one of your movies since you’re going to quit the game in three years is not going to make me buy a ticket to Moneyball, so sit your mouth over a full bong and stop threatening me with a good time. Besides, Brad retiring from using shampoo is much more upsetting than Brad retiring from acting.