Brad Pitt Will Retire From Acting In Three Years

In "How Will We EVAH Go On?!" news, Brad Pitt dramatically announced that he will take his final bow on the acting stage in three years when he turns 50. After Brad declared his date with retirement, he held up his arms and prepared himself for the booming sound of crazed Brangeloonies ripping their straitjackets off with their bare teeth to run up to the Hollywood sign and push it down the hill while proclaiming that the world of cinema is dead now that their king is no longer going to grace the silver screen. But that didn't happen. The only sound Brad heard was the sound of the lone bonghead in the room quietly weeping to himself, because now it looks like we'll never get a sequel to the stoner masterpiece Cool World.

During an interview with Australia's 60 Minutes (via E! News), Brad was asked how many more years of doing acting shit does he have in him. Brad said, "Three years. I am really enjoying the producing side and development of stories and putting those pieces together. Getting stories to the plate that might have had a tougher times otherwise."

Brad also says that he doesn't know if they're going to add another member to the holy child army.

HOBO, PLEASE! I see what Brad is trying to do here. Sorry, Brad, basically saying that we better cherish every one of your movies since you're going to quit the game in three years is not going to make me buy a ticket to Moneyball, so sit your mouth over a full bong and stop threatening me with a good time. Besides, Brad retiring from using shampoo is much more upsetting than Brad retiring from acting.

Posted by: Michael K

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Brangelina • Why Are You Pulling My Dick?

Submitted by JessicaGiovanna on Mon, 11/14/2011 - 11:31pm.

He looks like shit. I swear he just offered to wash my windshield

Submitted by Hysteria on Mon, 11/14/2011 - 11:12pm.

Yeah, right. Clean the boogers out your nose while yur at it.

His nostrils always were too big.
.
.

Submitted by Alix on Mon, 11/14/2011 - 5:56pm.

NOT SOON ENOUGH.

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This episode brought to you by the letter SHUTUP.

Submitted by hamblettamaud on Mon, 11/14/2011 - 5:17pm.

seriously don't give a fuck

(kiss this)--------------------------->>> (_!_)

Submitted by pamorama_j on Mon, 11/14/2011 - 5:17pm.

Message to Mr. Self-Involved: GET OVER YOURSELF!!!

No one gives a $hit if you "act" ever again or not. No loss there!!!

Submitted by icallbs on Mon, 11/14/2011 - 5:13pm.

who?

Submitted by becky n sydney on Mon, 11/14/2011 - 4:22pm.

Submitted by DeeDee on Mon, 11/14/2011 - 11:13am.

GOD BLESS THE AARP/PITTS!

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I read that as "GOD BLESS THE ARMPITTS".

Submitted by K2 on Mon, 11/14/2011 - 4:14pm.

Well, I guess he answered my question from the last thread ,,,, which was: When will these assholes retire?

Thank you Brad. Unfortunately, I believe this about as much as I believe you didnt cheat on your ex wife.

His ego is too huge to sit home in 3 years from now at the ripe age of 53 (he looks 50) and tend to his 6 kids while Jolie does her humanitarian work, continues to work, walks the red carpet, does photo shoots, and runs around having lesbian trysts all over town ..imo. It never fails.... They will both work until the parts dry up.

Does this mean they'll cut back on the nannies or will he just now have more time to pretend he's an architect?

Submitted by kikichanelconspiracy on Mon, 11/14/2011 - 2:41pm.

"Submitted by IrishFury on Mon, 11/14/2011 - 12:00pm.
Brad Pitt RUINED Se7en. He was like Keanu Reeves trying to do Shakespeare.

That movie was SO good and so atmospheric; Morgan Freeman and Kevin Spacey were excellent and then fucking Ken and Barbie Fishsticks jumped in and ruined it all. Even Fishy would get a C- but Brad's acting was nothing short of dreadful."

THANK YOU! I didn't think it was as terrible as you did, but I absolutely agree that his listless mediocre acting stuck out like a sore thumb next to Freeman's and Spacey's performance. I nominate his performance in '12 Monkeys' as the most over-praised Brad Pitt outing. Look at me, MA! I'm CAH-RAAAAZY. Can you believe that disaster beat Kevin Spacey's performance in 'The Usual Suspects' at the Golden Globes? Thank God the Oscar righted the wrong.
**************
It hurts because you let your black heart beat for an asshole who can't even send you a "P.S. I'm about to fuck a hole that doesn't belong to you" text before fucking said hole that doesn't belong to you.

Submitted by Rasclaat on Mon, 11/14/2011 - 2:07pm.

He used to be such a hunk but he's so grubby and ugly now! He's REALLY let himself go, like he doesn't even care anymore.

Submitted by chippychazoo on Mon, 11/14/2011 - 1:46pm.

"Submitted by Poopele on Mon, 11/14/2011 - 11:54am.
Some needs to get Zahara away from this fiend, its clear what his plans are."

Is he planning to eat her?

Submitted by the violator on Mon, 11/14/2011 - 1:25pm.

i hope he lives up to his word. the sooner i don't see this turd- the better.

Submitted by SpiceDong on Mon, 11/14/2011 - 1:09pm.

lol i will take this announcement with a huge bag of salt...reminds me of the one his skelletal consort made a while back about taking a break from movies to tend to her brood...we are still waiting for that long-awaited break.

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That peen needs some Miracle-Gro! - Bwhit19964

JLO must be using his entire body as an anal plug - Hellraiser

Submitted by sweet_b on Mon, 11/14/2011 - 1:04pm.

Fight Club is the best movie EVER!!!!! And it was the moment I fell in love with Brad Pitt...that is the memory I keep in my mind...He really should've retired after that one.

Submitted by Migraineuse on Mon, 11/14/2011 - 1:03pm.

JESUS CHRIST THAT NOSE HAIR.

*______________________________________*

"If Michelle Duggar's vagina is under God's control, then God has some explaining to do." -- hotpocket

Submitted by marinara on Mon, 11/14/2011 - 12:53pm.

Agree with those who say this is a total Oscar-grab. The man is desperate for one.

Not going to happen though. In the words of the other Great Michael Bolton (Office Space) "He's the one that sucks".

Submitted by Miss Malevolent on Mon, 11/14/2011 - 12:51pm.

The pretentiousness of this announcement astounds me because...near as I can tell it...he's never acted. He's a personality, not an actor. He's as one note as it comes...

I guess he's gotten by on his looks, but I've never found his pock marked face appealing. That Bryan Adams look does nothing for me. My friend however loves that rough trade look...so, different strokes for different folks.

His baby momma is a very pretty looking corpse, and about as animated as one when she's "acting" so I guess they suit each other well.

Submitted by WTFOMGLOL on Mon, 11/14/2011 - 12:46pm.

JIIIMMMYYYYYY!!!!

http://southparkstudios.mtvnimages.com/shared/characters/kids/nathan.jpg

Submitted by Somuchbetterthanyou on Mon, 11/14/2011 - 12:32pm.

More see him in the tabloids than go pay to see his movies (critically acclaimed or not), so unless Jolie "retires" her deathgrip from his balls, it ain't like we're gonna see less of him 3 years from now. Probably just the opposite.

So, who. the fuck. cares?

Submitted by LMA618 on Mon, 11/14/2011 - 12:13pm.

His pubes must be getting gray. This whole thing reeeks as a vanity issue for me. His skin has lost it's elasticity, he could never bulk as up like Troy again.HIs face ain't what it used to be. He wants to pull a Robert Redford. Oh Brad, Manopause is not being kind to you.

Submitted by Whatever on Mon, 11/14/2011 - 12:11pm.

Instead of cranking out horrible movies for the next three years he should quit now.

Submitted by chuckie3 on Mon, 11/14/2011 - 11:54am.

All that asshole did in Tree of Life is sit around and stare into space. Cutting edge talent if I do say so myself.
I could live without seeing him on-screen anymore.
GOOD RIDDANCE.

Submitted by chuckie3 on Mon, 11/14/2011 - 11:54am.

All that asshole did in Tree of Life is sit around and stare into space. Cutting edge talent if I do say so myself.
I could live without seeing him on-screen anymore.
GOOD RIDDANCE.

Submitted by Joeb on Mon, 11/14/2011 - 11:44am.

Just do it now. The best bit he ever did was as an idiot in "Burn After Reading". Nobody needs "Seven More Years in Tibet".

Submitted by de Cosmos on Mon, 11/14/2011 - 11:25am.

Why doesn't Santa Angelina just arrange for the whole stinking bunch of them to be assumed directly into Heaven -- NOW!?

Submitted by karen on Mon, 11/14/2011 - 11:24am.

" Your mind will answer most questions if you learn to relax and wait for the answer"..William S. Burroughs

i call bullshit on this one. bowie used to pull this shit, and so did The Who.

Submitted by Chirio on Mon, 11/14/2011 - 11:24am.

Jennifer Aniston please you need to wax your scruffy chin.
Ahahahahaha he's looks like a male version of Aniston going Hobo. Bu the hair is still pretty lool

Coma Caca!
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Submitted by clairey claire on Mon, 11/14/2011 - 11:22am.

Inglourios (whatever) Bastards was great but Pitt was only good because he was playing a dumb redneck i.e. himself. The only Brad Pitt hot flush underwear moistener film is Fight Club, in all others he's either too damn young or too damn cleancut (or now too damn old and gross)

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"It's always funny until somebody gets hurt-then it's fucking hilarious": The late great Bill Hicks

Submitted by Andrei on Mon, 11/14/2011 - 11:15am.

Oh, I get it. Brad and Angelina think that acting in movies is for peons now. OHHHHH.

Submitted by urmomma on Mon, 11/14/2011 - 11:13am.

Brad, will you please take that woman with you. Please and thank you.

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The difficult brown?! I think we're all done here. -MK

Submitted by MickeyHolland on Mon, 11/14/2011 - 11:10am.

*with straight face*

Michael Bolton is to the music industry what Kevin Costner is for filmmaking, both are pure GOLD.

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*in a deep, manly voice*

"Like sands through the hourglass... so are the days of our lives."

Submitted by Deb on Mon, 11/14/2011 - 11:08am.

@Hekki - I will remember to see "Tree of Life". He has 4 other films in the pre/post-production too, according to IMDb.

"JUST SMILE LIKE A NORMAL FUCKED UP PERSON."
Charles Manson

Submitted by IHateCharityChic on Mon, 11/14/2011 - 11:05am.

Submitted by louise_brooks on Mon, 11/14/2011 - 11:35am.

Submitted by IHateCharityChic on Mon, 11/14/2011 - 11:09am.
Didn't Angelina roll our this dramatic announcement five or six years ago when she was campaigning for an Oscar? And here she is YEARS after her dramatic announcement making shit movies like "The Tourist".

IKR? She said she was going to take time off to raise her kids. Apparently "time off" meant about four days.
----

The time off thing was during another Oscar campaign. She played the retirement card once, maybe for Mighty Heart. She called acting just a job and implied she had better things to do with her time and that she was quitting in a couple of years.

Either way, it's all one long permanent campaign for them anyway.

Submitted by hautevoltage2 on Mon, 11/14/2011 - 11:05am.

HES SO HOT !!! love him but that is not a good picture grrrr.... =[
VoodooCHILD

Submitted by Hekki on Mon, 11/14/2011 - 10:58am.

Deb: I liked him in "Fight Club", "Inglorious Basterds" and "Twelve Monkeys", too.

I am very anxious to see "Tree of Life" because I adore Terrence Malick and think Brad will be good in it.

Submitted by miz cynical on Mon, 11/14/2011 - 10:54am.

ITA with everything that Stake_Spike said. Also, Marlon Brando kept working up to the very end. He just got more selective about his movies, except for the occasional, I've got bills to pay movie. Which, he freely admitted to doing in his autobiography. De Niro still makes movies & we can obviously tell which ones that he's doing are just to pay the bills. So, Bradley, are you really going to put yourself in the same category as them? I haven't even seen him become more selective. Oceans 25, anyone? And as a few other people noted, we've heard this threat before & we're STILL waiting for it to happen & with that child army, I'm sure that there's going to be a lot of bills to pay. So please STFU & go sit down. You're not as smart or deep as you think you are.

Submitted by dementa on Mon, 11/14/2011 - 10:48am.

Submitted by CheeryBitch on Mon, 11/14/2011 - 12:15pm.

Embrace the Bruce Willis look!

*********

I'm here to kick ass and drink tea. And I'm all out of tea.

Submitted by Datura on Mon, 11/14/2011 - 10:48am.

Submitted by skinny fat on Mon, 11/14/2011 - 12:13pm.
Sorry, but NOTHING could ruin Se7en for me. DETECTIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVES!!!!

WHAT'S IN THE BOX????
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lol! Same here.

I bought Pitt as the meat-headed small town copper turned big city detective.

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Masturbation is not a GD game of Clue, there is no reason to head to the broom closet with a rope and a lead pipe. --michelleb

Submitted by CheeryBitch on Mon, 11/14/2011 - 10:45am.

Looking at that pic, I'm now convinced the aging actors of Hollywood use wigs (John Travolta) or dirty mop heads (Brad Pitt) or wacky headbands (Al Pacino) to cover up hair plug treatments. Just embrace the balding head! The tricks fail and make them look sadly desperate.

Submitted by skinny fat on Mon, 11/14/2011 - 10:43am.

Sorry, but NOTHING could ruin Se7en for me. DETECTIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVES!!!!

WHAT'S IN THE BOX????

Submitted by Deb on Mon, 11/14/2011 - 10:37am.

@SANS FARDS
"12 Monkeys" was one of Bruce Willis' best performances, too. I haven't seen "Moneyball" yet. I'm looking forward to it.
I co-sign with you that Mr. Pitt has sounded less than astute, shall we say, in recent interviews.

"JUST SMILE LIKE A NORMAL FUCKED UP PERSON."
Charles Manson

Submitted by skinny fat on Mon, 11/14/2011 - 10:37am.

Of course, Brad. You will go on to become the greatest producer of all time and win many many Oscars while St. Angie Ho goes on to become the greatest writer/director in cinematic history and win many many Oscars all whilst the entire Brangie Bunch saves the world from starvation and poverty and war. Whatever did we do before there was Brangelina?????

*projectile vomits

Submitted by Andrei on Mon, 11/14/2011 - 10:35am.

That shit is fucking funny. Brad Pitt on ebay.

Submitted by Whamo on Mon, 11/14/2011 - 10:35am.

Submitted by MickeyHolland on Mon, 11/14/2011 - 11:53am.
Allow me to use the words of the great Michael Bolton,
=================================
The GREAT Micheal Bolton?? LMAO!

Submitted by Zorba-the-Geek on Mon, 11/14/2011 - 10:33am.

Oh NOOOOOOOOO!!! Forget 2012, three years is the new Armageddon, y'all!!

Submitted by SANS FARDS on Mon, 11/14/2011 - 10:29am.

@Deb - cosign on 12 Monkeys. I loved that movie.

I liked Brad's work in Oceans Eleven, Snatch, and Moneyball. I guess I like his work in general, with a few exceptions, but he's come across as a total dunce lately in interviews.

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I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence.