Kim Zolciak Is Back To Opening Her Legs To A Married Man

November 12, 2011 / Posted by:

But in a shocking turn of events, this time she’s actually the one married to the married man!

A flock of white doves wearing tiny blond wiglets flew over Atlanta yesterday after 33-year-old (in Courtney Stodden years) Kim Zolciak of The Real Messes of Atlanta married the man who owns the ass that she was creaming at the mouth over all last season. Kim and Atlanta Falcons player Kroy Biermann married on 11/11/11, because her lacefront squeezed her last memory chip out of her brain and those numbers added together make up his IQ, so it’s an easy date to remember (but you know those dumb bitches will still forget it).

Life & Style, who paid for the EXCLUSIVO rights for the wedding pictures with a half-full jar of wig glue and an at-home collagen kit, has all the details that I know you give a thousand fucks about:

“This has been the happiest day of my life,” Kim exclusively tells Life & Style. “It’s been perfect. It’s been a dream come true.”

As Life & Style previously reported, Kim, 34, and Kroy, 26, got engaged in October after welcoming their first son, Kroy Jagger, together in May.

“He makes me a better person,” says Kim. “I love everything about him.”

The couple met at a charity function in 2010, during the filming of the third season of the hit Bravo reality series. Kim has two daughters, Brielle and Ariana, from a previous marriage. This is the first marriage for Kroy.

If NeNe, Phaedra, Cynthia and HeRee were there, they probably synchronized their divorce clock watches and made bets on if Kim is going to beat Kim Kardashian’s 72 second-long queef of a marriage record. I’ll bet that she will. This marriage is going to last about as long as the time she was a lesbian.

Kim will probably have to slap on a divorcin’ wig in a few months, but at least 11/11/11 will always be the day that she wore a dress that made her look like her belly button heaved out intestines made of satin. This is the hideous barf spray of a wedding gown that Kim wore and ONTD says that the pre-owned dress cost Kim $58,000.

Yes, 58 fucking thousand dollars for a dress that looks like Liberace shat crystals on a Ballard Designs comforter and then slit its stomach and pulled out all of its satin internal organs. It’s like the tackiest satin blood clot you’ve ever seen. To think, Kim could’ve had a She by Sheree ORIGINAL and she went with this shit instead? I bet Sheree shook her head at that thought as she collected the centerpieces from each table so she can sell them on eBay and pay her rent next month.

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