Julia Roberts can pack up her albino peacock feathers and suck on a poisoned apple now that the fairest and baddest bitch of them all has arrived. The thought of a live-action Snow White made me cringe into a slight heave since Snow White is one of the dumbest bitches around (I mean, talking to birds and eating an apple from some ugly ass witch), but the trailer for Snow White & The Huntsman has turned me into a believer. It’s like they took some of the leftover sets from The Cell, a few costumes from Dracula, the special effects from Busta Rhymes’ “What’s It Gonna Be?” video, the music from Inception, a whole lot of Charlize Theron and threw all of that together. It could still be a heaping mess, but at least Charlize looks hot in it.
Oh, and that Kristen Stewart trick is also in it as one of the taller (and slower) dwarves, but who cares about her when you’ve got Charlize in leche, Charlize devouring the souls of maidens and Charlize paying homage to Brandon Lee by turning into a flock of crows.
The producers probably kept Kristen’s voice out of this trailer, because they know it’s been a hard month on humanity and the last thing we need is to crack our heads on our desks after hearing her butcher a British accent like nobody else has butchered a British accent. “Oh, so I guess Madge’s British tongue isn’t that tore up” is probably what most of us are going to say after hearing Kristen talk.
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