My dream of Courtney Stodden and Horatio Cane (as Herman Cane) co-hosting the Oscars at the abandoned spot where the California Santa’s Village used to be will have to wait another year to come true, because the producers have stuck their hands into the past and pulled out Billy Crystal. After the talking colostomy hole sore that is Brett Ratner smeared the Oscar’s good name (add a dab of sarcasm to that) with his use of the fag word and his talk of jacking his snail dick with Van de Kamp lube, the producers are taking us back to a safe place where all the jokes are G-rated and every category has its own musical medley montage. The Academy confirmed this to Deadline and Billy Tweeted this an hour ago:
Am doing the Oscars so the young woman in the pharmacy will stop asking my name when I pick up my prescriptions. Looking forward to the show
Yeah, yeah, I can already hear bitches screaming that Billy’s as boring as a ball of room-temperature dough covered with white flour (which is sort of what his face looks like nowadays thanks to that debil jelly we call Botox), but look at this shit in a positive light. The Oscars will now start at 3pm EST since that’s when Billy’s demographic eats dinner and now his long-lost twin Richard Simmons will finally gets his time in the shine as Miss Oscar 2011. Richard’s already got his ensemble picked out and everything!