Mimi’s body was invaded by twin unicornlings and enough water to keep a synchronized swimming troupe of whales going for years, and it has finally returned to her as you can see from this week’s cover of UsWeekly brought to you by the Adobe family of products.
Mimi was unveiled as the new body of Jenny Craig on Rosie O’Donnell’s show last night and she cooed about how during her pregnancy she was as bloated as a soft dick inhaling a fart. Once Monroe and Moroccan slid down her rainbow birth canal, she dropped 40 pounds of water weight within one week. With Jenny’s help, Mimi lost another 30 pounds of chunk in 3 months and she has donated her old industrial-strength Spanx girdles to Xtina since she can fit into a size 4 or 6 now.
If you can stop rolling your eyeballs to a size 0 for a minute, read what Mimi had to say about the emancipation of her fupa. A page from the Memoirs of an Imperfect Gunt courtesy of the Daily Mail:
Speaking to Rosie, she explained of her fight back to form: ‘In the beginning, when I first had the babies, I had so much edema … water and swelling. ‘Most pregnant woman have that just in their feet,’ she explained.
‘One day I was doing my thank-you notes and I noticed it started rising up the leg, so I had edema. … I didn’t think I would ever be the same person.’
After shedding some initial weight, Mariah started the strict Jenny diet plan, for which she is now a spokeswoman. She said: ‘The first week, I lost 40 lbs. … of just water. It was just water, initially. When I started with the programme, I lost at least 30 lbs of weight that needed to be lost. The whole point of this is not just like: “Oh, hey, look at me and my weight loss, I’m fantastic.” It’s really health.’
She eats calorie controlled meals, including soups, and also did gentle exercise – walking her dogs and doing workouts in the ocean. And rather than weighing herself constantly, she would judge her progress based on how she fitted her clothes.
See. If a multimillionaire celebrity like Mimi can drop 30 pounds in 3 months, so can you! Put down that fried chicken and donut breakfast sandwich and get yourself an in-home Hello Kitty lipo machine, a private team of Photoshop artists, a maid who straw feeds you zero calorie pie-flavored water and a lifeguard who will stand by while you roll around the shore and floss your down low scales with a seaweed boa like a slutty mermaid in a rap video. That last part is Mimi’s idea of an “ocean workout.” Or instead of doing all of that, we can just spoon feed Mimi some BITCH, PLEASE porridge made by the chefs at Jenny.
Subtle hate aside, I’m happy that Mimi’s body has returned to her. But mostly because now she’s really going to bring the HO SHIT by dressing like a shot girl at Senor Frogs (see cover above) and a stripper in a Spearmint Rhino commercial (see Jenny ad below).