This morning as I hooked my arm veins up to an IV drip full of coffee I turned on Today, as I do every day, and heard the dreaded words from Ann Curry that make pussies cringe and wombs shrivel: “The Duggars have a big announcement to make!” A big announcement from the Duggars would be that they are finally retiring her war-torn, tortured womb and tucking it into a retirement home in Boca where all things BABY!!! are banned. But that is obviously not part of God’s plan. God continues to hate Michelle Duggar’s uterus and is wreaking havoc on it yet again, because she announced that her 45-year-old ass is knocked up with the 20th member of her holy child army. That haunting cry you hear echoing through Michelle’s vagina hangar is her uterus chanting to the menopause angel to please come and put it out of its sad misery.
The professional BABY!!! hoarders said that Michelle’s party bus snatch is dismissed from the labor room this time around, because she’s going to have a scheduled C-section in April for the first time in her history of shooting out children. That’s because, Michelle almost birthed her way to death while giving birth to their 19th kid two Decembers ago. 1-year-old Josie was born three months premature, because Michelle was diagnosed with preeclampsia and the condition threatened the lives of her and her daughter.
When Ann Curry asked, “Um. Bitch, your uterus fell out THREE FUCKING TIMES! It did the Tandi Iman Dupree three times! Isn’t that a sign from the lord above that your uterus is hurtin’ and it’s time to let it go? Can’t Jim Bob bust a nut into the soap pot from now on?!“, Michelle said that they will keep having children for as long as God wants.
This is jizz-worthy news for the polo shirt industry, but Christ on a crying cooch. Michelle Duggar’s head gives birth to a gorgeous fall of crunchy curls and a wave of luscious bangs every morning. Isn’t that enough for her?
They really need to name their 20th child JooKnowYouNeedToStop.