“George, Don’t Worry The Swelling Will Go Down Soon”

If that’s isn’t a “walk it off, you weak bottom bitch” moment between a kinky bitch and his rough trade strap-on master, I don’t know what is.

After trying (and failing) to convince the world through red carpet poses that their relationship wasn’t consummated by a pen scooting across a contract, George Clooney and Stacy Kiebler went down to Mehico to get a few golf and fisting sessions in before award season begins and they are EVERYWHERE. Never mind that seeing George in aqua shorts fills me with the same kind of uncomfortableness I felt when seeing my abuelita in Body Glove board shorts and Jellies, he’s doing the same shit he does with all of his temporary pieces. He shows them off at his premieres, takes them to Mexico, takes them Lake Homo (typo, I SWEAR, and it deserves to stay), takes them to the Golden Globes, takes them to the Oscars and then takes them to a recycling center where they’re spat out into various reality shows. That’s how it always works.

I beg Stacy Kiebler to deliver us from BORING and change the script a bit. And she can start by teaching George to scream out “Ayúdame! Ayúdame!” instead of “HELPME! HELPME!” when she’s paddling his old ass too hard in their Mexican hotel room. I mean, your safeword should always be in the official language of the country you’re in.