“Kimmy, think of the horrific time that big kunt Khloe played a nightmare trick on you by sending the paparazzi to the wrong place and there weren’t any flashes waiting for you. Oh how, you kried kried kries...” is what Pimp Mama Kris told Kim Kuntrashian right before she did a choreographed weep weep shuffle through LAX earlier this morning. TMZ says Kim made her way to Minnesota to sit down with her Herman Munster-ish leased husband and the pastor that married them. YES! This is the next chapter in Whores of Our Lives. I know there’s some of you out there who called this move days ago, so please give yourself the golden shower medal in seeing through bullshit. (How to give yourself a golden shower medal: lay down face up, find a way to piss up into the air and turn around really fast so the golden shower lands on your nalgas. This is what Kim does when she’s feeling down and needs a quick piss-me-up.)
A source (read: Kim’s publicist) says that she booked the flight at the last minute, because she wants to talk to Kris Humphries without any cameras and is hoping this will give them the closure they both need to move on. The source also said that there’s a small chance they could get back together. And while Kim is in Minnesota, she’ll probably cut Kris a $2 million check for the engagement that he bought her (and the one that she wants to keep).
This fraudulent heffa can’t do anything without stage directions and a script, so you know what she’s doing. Bitch is trying to turn the pitchforks into sympathyforks, because the backlash is starting to fuck with her money. Kim will fly into Minnesota, dress up as Dr. Frankenstein and sneak up behind Kris Humphries as cameras roll. When he mistakes her for his creator and goes after her, she’ll scream at all of us, “SEE! He’s crazy! He’s a monster! I can’t live like this! I tried to make it work! I’m the victim! And now I’ll stop with all the exclamation points, because they’re messing up my sexyface.”
If Kim and Kris are really meeting with a pastor and if there is a God, I hope he channels his powers into that pastor’s hand and slaps the fake out of both of those stupid bitches.
And here’s the Kardashian Fairytale Divorce Special from last night’s SNL that could only be more perfect if Christian Bale as Patrick Bateman made a cameo as Scott.