Krista Keller, the woman who birthed the gorgeous skank-glazed lizard tongue with plastic lips that is Courtney Stodden, talked to The Daily Beast about the daughter she sold to Horace from Lost and everything she says is completely logical and not at all wrapped around a tiny piece of a bull’s shit. When the PedoBear Awards roll around again this year, I really hope the mistress of ceremonies, Selena Gomez, rips the Mother of the Year trophy out of White Oprah’s cold, sedated hands and gives it to Krista Keller. Krista has earned it for saying these three things:
1. Krista kept her teen daughter from the dangers of dying in an underage drunken car crash by giving her to a 51-year-old creep who looks like a bottom of the barrel Billy Bob Thornton impersonator with factory defective hair plugs. Krista feels calm knowing that her daughter is licking lude residue off of the bathroom tiles instead of drinking wine coolers behind the bleachers.
“These people that say, ‘You could have waited,’ I really don’t understand this way of thinking. Why do parents think that kids need to have those teen years spent going out with different boys, going out in different cars, going out on the beach together alone? There’s a lot of bad stuff that happens in those teen years. They end up being killed in car crashes due to driving with people that have been drinking. Oh, but they’re gonna have their teen years. My daughter is safe. I know where my daughter is.”
2. Krista always knew that her daughter was just too much woman and condensed sex for just any man. That is why a 51-year-old man who is obviously gayer than a pink flaming sliding down a rainbow is perfect for her. That was served with absolutely zero sarcasm. I’m sure Doug is the one who knew that accentuating Courtney’s natural beauty with clear bra strips and frosted pink lipstick was the way to go. Doug knows what’s best!
“I could really tell my daughter had the kind of love when you want to marry a man or be with a man. Even though she was just 16, I knew it was going to take a pretty big man to handle her because of her sexuality and because of the attention she gets.”
3. Krista thinks her daughter is a lesbian assistant and an overdose away from becoming gay icon Anna Nicole Smith.
“The gay community has been so loving to her. I know that Anna Nicole Smith had a great rapport with the gay community, and I think they’ve been waiting to have someone they can connect with, and I think Courtney is that person. She is different and stands out. Frankly, we thought she’d fit in better in Hollywood.”
Courtney is like John Waters’ answer to Shauna Sand, so Krista gets no objections about the gay icon thing from me.
And if you need more evidence, go to Radar to see pictures of a SANS FARDS Courtney looking like she just woke up from being passed out on the train tracks all night. Her chest wearing every bra in her dresser…. Her morning fresh face that looks like she just had dental work while getting beat with a bag of meth…. The poop rainbows over her chichis…. BEAUTY finally has a name.