Maury Just Dropped His Cards And Left The Stage For Good

This is exactly why the Belieber ward of the county mental hospital should not show any episode of Maury in its TV room. Star Magazine (via Radar) reports that a 20-year-old grown woman named Mariah Yeater has sued 17-year-old Justin Bieber and is claiming what biological scientists have already found to be impossible. Mariah wants the Barbie-crotched Canadian Jesus to take a paternity test, because she claims he put a baby in her womb after a concert one night. You know, unlike Justin, most of us know how babies are made. And most of us also know that there’s a greater chance of me conceiving a baby by inseminating my dead prostate with a drop of this cotton candy ice cream than there is Justin making a baby with a grown ass woman. But a crazy bitch gotta sue, who a crazy bitch gotta sue.

Mariah writes in a hand-written sworn affidavit that one of Justin’s bodyguards came up to her during his show in L.A. on October 25th of last year and asked her if she wanted to go backstage. I guess reenacting the bedroom sex scene of Boys Don’t Cry with her in the Chloe Sevigny role and Justin as Brandon Teena has always been on Mariah’s cum bucket list, because she went backstage. Mariah then goes on to write some shit that sounds like Justin Bieber fanfiction written by Stephenie Meyer. Warning: You might want to turn off the part of your brain that creates images before your eyes go any further.

“After waiting for a short period of time with several young women, Justin Bieber appeared and engaged me in conversation. Immediately, it was obvious that we were mutually attracted to one another, and we began to kiss. Shortly thereafter, Justin Bieber suggested that I go with him to a private place where we could be alone. I agreed to go with him and on the walk to a private area, he told me he wanted to make love to me and this was going to be his first time.

After walking away from the other people backstage, Justin Bieber found a place where we could be alone — a bathroom. We went inside and immediately his personality changed drastically. He began touching me and repeatedly said he wanted to fuck the shit out of me. At the time I asked him to put a condom for protection, but he insisted that he did not want to.

In his own words, he said that because it was his first time he wanted to feel everything. He was on top of me with my legs around him. At the time I was on top of some type of shelf. The sexual intercourse itself was brief, lasting only approximately 30 seconds.”

30 seconds… Okay, maybe she is truth telling after all. Nine months later, pushed out a boy who is now 3 months old.

Maybe she just wants that DNA sample to clone his ass, because she doesn’t need to swab the most famous fetus in the world to find out if he’s the father of her child. Just show the baby a picture of Usher and if he looks at it before saying, “Memaw!,” then that’s the final sign of the apocalypse. We can all finally lay down in the dirt and wait for the tears of a million Beliebers to drown us all.