Eeyore Saw This Coming

After 2 years of marriage, Zooey Deschanel and Death Cab for Cutie’s Ben Gibbard have decided that being married to each other is just not for them. I’m supposed to write that the hipsters are weeping in the streets over this, but I’m sure they already used up all their tears on weeping over Kim Kardashian’s divorce to be ironic.

Zooey’s rep tells People that their split is so and a source type said this statement of words that’s meant to be read in a quirky twang followed by an adorable smile and a twirl, which is probably exactly what Zooey did when she told Ben she was dumping his ass. Zooey is like a freshly bloomed daisy, even when she looks sad, she looks perky and happy. It’s the epitome of annoying. Anyway, the source said this:

“It’s amicable, it’s mutual. The intention is to move forward with a divorce.”

Obviously this shit didn’t work because Zooey could no longer fuck an adult man who has the exact same haircut as Shiloh Jolie-Pitt. She tried.