Because everybody but Papa Joe knows that a Jessica Simpson pregnancy announcement is worth about as much as a left-handed handjob from Captain Hook, not one tabloid magazine farted up the $500,000 he wanted for an exclusive so bitch had to give that shit away for free. In news that’s about as surprising as Kim Kardashian’s staged marriage falling into a trapdoor opened by Pimp Mama Kris, Jessica posted the above picture on her website and then announced the news everybody has known for weeks.
“It’s True! I am going to be a mummy!”
Jessica’s poor child isn’t even out of the womb yet and she’s already embarrassing it. First, bitch tries to sell the news that it’s moved into her uterus and comes up with nothing. Then she delivers the BIG DUH for free on the same day Kim Kardashian’s divorce shit is being spread all over the media. And finally, she announces it while looking like a flock of birds made several nests in her weave after she got tangled up in my old nursery curtains.
That fetus is holding its face in shame and won’t let go until it turns 18. How is Papa Joe going to sell the baby pictures if Jessica’s baby refuses to remove its hand from its face? Papa Joe’s plans foiled again. I think I love Jessica’s baby already.