Do not let the state of Steven Tyler’s bruised, battered and busted face fool you. There is not a patch of dirt under the wagon with his face print on it. Steven told Matt Lauer on Today this morning that booze nor drugs is to blame for why he looks like one of the Cyrus aunties after fighting Noah for the last jug of XXX at a possum roast.
Aerosmith had to postpone a show in Paraguay by one day, because bitch went boom in the shower. Steven was taken to a nearby hospital where doctors stitched up the cuts on his forehead and dentists replaced the two toofs that knocked out of his mouth when he hit the shower floor.
The Ruth Bader Ginsburg of rock said he that totally understands if bitches think his fall was due to him being a sloppy messy drunk since all of his past falls happened due to him being a sloppy messy drunk. But this time, food poisoning led to his b-hole playing “Shit This Way” on a loop, which led to dehydration, which led to weakness, which led to his face eating shower floor. Steven went on to say that he’s 100% sober and “we flew last night from Paraguay after that incident and we’re in Argentina for two hours. And anyone who knows anyone who uses substances wouldn’t be up at this hour having a talk with Matt Lauer and the rest of America.”
Steven’s unfortunate accident can be best explained through my favorite song: “When you think your friends are joking but your pants are brown and soaking: Diarrhea, diarrhea! When your chillin’ with your daughter and you feel the poopoo water: Diarrhea, diarrhea! When you ski the Alps of France and your cocoa’s in your pants: Diarrhea, diarrhea! When you’re soaping up your pits and your anus starts to spit: Diarrhea, diarrhea!”
If Hugh Hefner can look at that picture above and seriously say, “I would like to this offer this beautiful woman $1 million to pose naked in my magazine,” then I’m totally okay with the whole “Lindsay Lohan in Playboy” thing.