Despite what the priest at confessional says to you when you cry to him that a slutty lizard keeps crawling through the hole from your dreams to your nightmares to wrap her tongue around your soul, Courtney Stodden did not start out in life as an animatronic Pamela Anderson Real Doll that was solely created by her creepy maker/husband to spit out soft-core porn adjectives on Twitter and constipated sexyfaces during staged photo shoots. There was a time when Courtney was a fresh-faced wholesome girl who probably thought Adderall was add-on sleeves for overalls or something. Crazy Days and Nights (via Jezebel) posted this alleged picture of Courtney before her mother sold her to the liver eater from The X-Files.
This thickens the plot since Courtney’s pimp of a mother swears on the sales receipt the devil gave her that her daughter can be sold in the organic section of any grocery store and she has never been touched by a plastic surgeon’s scalpel. A lot of hos are saying that since Courtney is 17 in CZJ years, she’s probably telling lies about her plastic surgery situation too. But I’m not sure. Courtney sticks out her chest and sucks in so hard while posing that her internal organs probably got sick of suffocating so they traveled up to her tits. She doesn’t have plastic tits, she’s got stomach tits!
I bet if you turned a wet sandblast machine on Courtney and switched off the switch that operates her terrifying snarlface, she’ll look a little closer to 17 instead of looking like she should be passing an apple to Snow White. It’s all the make-up and shit.
The glamorous power of Wet ‘N Wild, Walmart hair bleach and clear bra straps cannot be denied. Mah Boo would totally co-sign that.