Piece Of Shit Asshole Arrested For Being A Piece Of Shit Asshole

October 25, 2011 / Posted by:

Whenever you need a quick answer to the question “Why is Lindsay Lohan such a natural born fuck up?”, just look at this mug shot of her wonderful Christian father Michael Lohan looking like a sun-damaged hairy baboon testicle.

Michael recently told Radar that his daughter needs a year in rehab and he will be there for her to guide her along the road to sobriety. Michael proved to his daughter that he is the supporting and stable rock she can count on by threatening to throw his sometimes girlfriend Kate Major off of a fourth floor balcony in Tampa, FL if she didn’t suck his nasty dick. While most of us would gladly throw ourselves off of a fourth floor balcony if Michael whipped his turtle dick out and told us to put our tongues on it, Kate simply refused and that’s when shit got violent. Kate told the police that he threw a TV remote at her, broke her cellphone, pushed her, grabbed her by the arms and told her that he’d pull some murder/suicide shit by slitting both of their wrists. Kate called the police from a land line and when they showed up at around 2 this morning, Michael clutched his chest in dramatic cunt fashion and so he was taken to the hospital.

This the best and most priceless part: Michael was treated for his fake chest pains and tried to be slick by slipping out of the hospital without the cops seeing him. Michael leaves a trail of douche slime when he walks, so an officer caught him and dragged his stupid ass to jail where he was booked for domestic violence again. I swear, Lauren & Hardy must be raising their fists from the grave for not using that buffoonery bit in their act. I can totally picture a Keystone Kop waving a baton at Michael Lohan as he runs around the E.R. in a hospital gown while this song plays in the background. What a dumb fuck.

Michael’s side of the story is that Kate is afraid she’s knocked up with the newest Lohan spawn so she flipped out after he busted a raw nut in her during sex. Michael also had a cut on his head, which she says he gave himself during an argument on Sunday night. Michael banged his head against the door and told Kate that he’d tell the cops she did it to him.

THIS LOHAN is the new THIS BITCH. Really, scientists should study whatever is flowing through the veins of a Lohan, because that will lead them to the antidote for foolery. The economy is sending the Lohan family a thank you basket for making it look like less of a disaster. This is the official family of fuck up.

And Michael Lohan, please meet Mel Gibson. You both want a blowjob in a violent way and you both are used to the taste of shit in your mouth. It’s a love story just waiting to bloom.

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