Because Hugh Hefner can’t remember what flavor of breakfast pudding he had this morning let alone the fact that every pair of eyeballs on this planet have seen Lindsay Lohan’s freckled titty sacks so much that we could all draw them from memory on an Etch-A-Sketch, Playboy is writing her a check for almost $1 million to flash those saggy zombie tits in a cover spread called “The Last Nail In My Career’s Coffin Has Nipples!”
TMZ says that Playboy originally offered LiLo $750,000 and she spit on that number, because she thinks her crusty nooks and crannies are worth at least $1 million. So Playboy came back with an unknown number that just under $1 million, and since her lawyer’s firm doesn’t accept rim jobs as payment, she snatched up that deal. They started shooting the spread this past weekend and E! News is hearing it’s for the January 2012 issue (aka The Apocalypse of HoHan’s Career Issue). E! is also saying that the entire spread will include zero nipples and zero shots of her bare ashcrotch (that fire was put out a long time ago).
Hustler and the producers of soft-core porn movies didn’t even bother countering Playboy’s offer since they know that in about 6 months they can get HoHan for a half bottle of Thunderbird and a small pile of sea jasper pebbles.
You know who should really get $1 million for this spread? The brave soul who has to burn their knuckles off while Photoshopping that mess. They have to turn LiLo’s “candy corn shat out of hell’s asshole” teeth into glistening white Chiclets. They have to brush away her bruises and use the shit out of the methadone tool to erase the meth from her face. Hugh Hefner is totally going to have to give that Photoshop artist the “Remember your training, and you will make it out alive!” speech from Starship Troopers. Reserve the Purple Heart for that Photoshop artist, because they’re going to deserve it when all is airbrushed and done.