So I Guess Papa Joe Isn’t Going To Get That $500,000 For Jessica’s Pregnancy Announcement

Papa Joe’s attempt to whore out his unborn grandchild in a pregnancy announcement spread in a weekly tabloid for half a million dollars is failing harder than his attempt to convince Jessica Simpson that he’s a board-certified pregnant tits masseuse. The first thorn in his plan was shoved in by OK! Magazine whose cover this week makes it look like Jessica opened up her mouth and told them personally that she’s farting for two nowadays (but the “confirmation” comes from some unnamed source). The second thorn in Papa Joe’s plan was shoved in by Jessica herself when she strut through JFK yesterday with a Spanx tank top full of FETUS!!!!

There goes that $500,000…..

Jessica’s knocked the hell up state is about as obvious as the fact that Ashlee Simpson looks like Pete Doherty trying to shapeshift into Owen Wilson. Either Jessica’s womb is full of Arby’s future customer of the year, or a toddler got a little barbecue sauce on his leg during a family reunion and she sort of kind of ate him whole. They’re just waiting for the toddler to pass through Jessica’s digestive system before falling out the other end. Now that is an announcement worth $500,00!