JLo was carried onto the stage at the Mohegan Sun’s 15th anniversary celebration on Saturday night like the rhinestone-embedded martyr that she really is and she opened up her heart and poured out a river of raw emotion that was completely authentic and didn’t at all leave the bitter taste of “publicity stunt” in the mouths of the audience. Because we all know JLo as a genuinely emotional performer in the vein of Janis Joplin, nobody was surprised when she broke down into tears on stage after singing about her past loves. And yes, I just made an appointment for you at the Geek Squad since your sarcasm detector probably overloaded and quit a bitch after you read those two sentences.
People says that JLo told the audience, “I’m going to sing you the last song I wrote about love,” before she warbled out an acoustic version of If You Had My Love. There are so many things that are dead wrong about that last sentence that I ran out of red ink while making all the corrections in that shit. I mean, JLo claiming that she wrote a song and then singing an ACOUSTIC version of the heartbreaking and haunting lullaby we all know as If You Had My Love? Yes, that really happened and surprisingly the smoke of delusion that covered the stage didn’t swallow the Mohegan Sun whole.
Then right after this, fuckery covered the stage when dancers dressed up like all of her exes came out with dancers dressed up like JLo. That tacky mess sounds like the highlight of the night, because seeing a twerking science class skeleton (Marc Anthony), a dancing pair of wolf pussy brows (Ojani Noa), a popping question mark (Cris Judd), a swaying Diddy and a kick stepping man wig in a Red Sox jersey (Ben Affleck) on the same stage together is a SHOW!
At the very end of the show, JLo said “I took a trip down memory lane” before a choreographed tear slid down her cheek and she started to cry like her $800,000 custom-made limousine was just born in a Maybach factory and would soon be delivered to her. The audience also cried, because seeing JLo looking like a bedazzled sausage at Liberace’s barbecue is the stuffed stuff of nightmares.