Nothing Like A Pimp Selling Out Her Ho

The shocking news of the day is that White Oprah is redirecting the usual actions of her pimp hand from pushing her kids onto the ho stroll to pushing at her ghostwriter to do that extra line of powdered No Doz so they can finish her memoirs before her #1 ho gets thrown into jail. The not-so-shocking news of the day is that White Oprah is trying to sell her memoirs by selling out her daughter in it. When the vodka bottle goes empty, it's every Lohan for themselves!

TMZ got a hold of the prologue from White Oprah's soon-to-be Pulitzer Prize winning autobiography (possible titles: Crackdays with Lindsay, Lindsay Ashes: I'm Dancing On Them, A Million Little Enablers and I Know Why The Coke Bird Snorts) and in it she writes all about Lindsay's sad transformation from child star to premiere mug shot model. White Oprah uses her favorite snortin' finger to point the blame at everybody but herself for ruining her daughter's life. Here's just a few excerpts from the Book According to Delusion:

"I blamed her friends, her career and her handlers for an (sic) newfound lifestyle of partying excessively. Drinking, drugging and behaving irresponsibly became Lindsay's way of daily living--and it tore me up inside."

"How could I deny my daughter the chance of a lifetime? How could I hold Lindsay back from her dream of becoming an actress? So, I listened to others and sent my daughter to Hollywood with a few pieces of luggage and a chaperone."

TMZ says that White Oprah "worked" with a ghostwriter (aka Nana Lohan) on the prologue and her rep started shopping it around to publishers two weeks ago. So far, every publisher she sent the prologue to, rolled it up and sent it back. To which, White Oprah said "THANK YOU!" since she had herself a new jumbo coke straw.

Gossip Cop threw a bucket of ice water on White Oprah as she lay passed out, face first in a barback's bin on the floor of a Long Island sports bar, and asked her about this. White Oprah opened up her whiskey orifice and said that would never write anything negative about her child. The deluded evil twat went on to say, "When and if [I do write a book] it will be all positive.”

Everything that comes out of White Oprah's mouth has as much credibility as what comes out of her asshole, so we should all believe that she's kicking coins out of her daughter when the bitch is down. That chill in your ear you just felt was Papa Joe, Joe Jackson, Billy Ray Cyrus and Pimp Mama Kris all saying "too far too far" at the same time.

Posted by: Michael K

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Submitted by Manimal5 on Sat, 10/22/2011 - 9:56am.

Submitted by precociousmagpie on Sat, 10/22/2011 - 10:51am.

I know...this could go on forever...LOL... but really Dina was the primary enabler in Lindsays life and I think the most to blame. Hate her.

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Love my way, it's a new road
I follow where my mind goes

Submitted by MickeyHolland on Sat, 10/22/2011 - 9:42am.

LOL @ the alternative book titles. In moments like these I wish I were a native speaker of English so I could participate. *sighs*

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Rusty, tu nous manque! Sois gentil et donne-nous de tes nouvelles!

Submitted by precociousmagpie on Sat, 10/22/2011 - 9:21am.

Submitted by Manimal5 on Sat, 10/22/2011 - 10:42am.
"The Mirror has Two Shitfaces"

"A Bridge Over The River Quack"

"Catch 22 STD's"
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BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Now you've got me thinking…

"A Tale of Two Shitties"

"The Crackhead in the Rye"

"Whore and Piece"

"The Old Hag and The Semen"

"Breakfast At (Judge) Stephanie's"

"From Here To Attorney"

These things write themselves!!

Submitted by Manimal5 on Sat, 10/22/2011 - 9:12am.

"The Mirror has Two Shitfaces"

"A Bridge Over The River Quack"

"Catch 22 STD's"

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Love my way, it's a new road
I follow where my mind goes

Submitted by Get Serious on Sat, 10/22/2011 - 9:08am.

I have no appropriate words for the disgust and scorn I have towards this woman; any words I think of don't go far enough. She's a disgusting piece of trash who only cares about herself. If anyone deserves a bullet to the brain, it's this bitch...

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"There's not enough liquor or therapy in the world to help me forget that..." - Archer

Submitted by MizRo on Sat, 10/22/2011 - 8:42am.

PSL!! Went and ran errands - missed your greeting.
*hugs* and *love*
And yes, repulsive is an excellent choice.

Submitted by parissucksliterally on Sat, 10/22/2011 - 7:23am.

hey MizRo!!!

This woman is truly repulsive.

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Won't you come a bit closer, close enough so I can smell you.
I need you to feel this, I can't stand to burn too long.
-Tool

Submitted by Vern on Sat, 10/22/2011 - 7:17am.

Hey Beaky! Sorry I missed you, I was happy to see your post earlier. :)

Manimal-there are so many connections to the book, ORANGE, milk, ORANGE, ORANGE and ORANGE! Awesome!

*chanting as always*
"I feel the burn it must be Vern" PERKY 2011

Submitted by chippychazoo on Sat, 10/22/2011 - 6:07am.

"So, I listened to others and sent my daughter to Hollywood with a few pieces of luggage and a chaperone."

After translating Dina's delusionese I have concluded, 'others' = Michael Lohan.

"few pieces of luggage" = slut clothes and drugs

"chaperone" = pimp. Seriously, what mother would send her child off that age?

I don't usually feel sorry for Lindsay but now I hope she survives and writes a book that details how Dina was responsible for fucking her life up.

Submitted by MizRo on Sat, 10/22/2011 - 5:43am.

Please bitch, you SNORT with your daughter and sponge off her like the stage-mother whore you are.

Submitted by beakers bitch on Fri, 10/21/2011 - 11:22pm.

Submitted by Vern on Fri, 10/21/2011 - 12:01pm.
I never promised you a nose garden

LOL, Vern! I like it. Did her handlers confiscate her twitter? She hasn't been twittering like crazy like in the past.

Submitted by Manimal5 on Fri, 10/21/2011 - 9:19pm.

Submitted by Vern on Fri, 10/21/2011 - 10:41pm.

The thing is I hate to desecrate such an awesome book but really I'm LMAO at this whole thread!

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Love my way, it's a new road
I follow where my mind goes

Submitted by Vern on Fri, 10/21/2011 - 9:13pm.

Now this little crack-ho has to go to bed.
Good night all!

*chanting as always*
"I feel the burn it must be Vern" PERKY 2011

Submitted by parissucksliterally on Fri, 10/21/2011 - 9:11pm.

Submitted by Manimal5 on Fri, 10/21/2011 - 10:32pm.

"One Flew Over The Fake Rockett"

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LMAO!!!!

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Won't you come a bit closer, close enough so I can smell you.
I need you to feel this, I can't stand to burn too long.
-Tool

Submitted by Vern on Fri, 10/21/2011 - 9:11pm.

AHAHHA Manimal!

"A crackpipe orange"

brilliant!

*chanting as always*
"I feel the burn it must be Vern" PERKY 2011

Submitted by Vern on Fri, 10/21/2011 - 9:09pm.

Thanks B&S!
That is much appreciated considering you is so hot like yourself!

*chanting as always*
"I feel the burn it must be Vern" PERKY 2011

Submitted by Manimal5 on Fri, 10/21/2011 - 9:08pm.

"A Crackpipe Orange"

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Love my way, it's a new road
I follow where my mind goes

Submitted by Manimal5 on Fri, 10/21/2011 - 9:02pm.

"One Flew Over The Fake Rockett"

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Love my way, it's a new road
I follow where my mind goes

Submitted by becky n sydney on Fri, 10/21/2011 - 9:01pm.

Hey Vern! You've been on fire today!!

HB to Manfred Mann

Submitted by Vern on Fri, 10/21/2011 - 8:58pm.

*waves pocket protector @becky n sydney*

Hello ladies!

*chanting as always*
"I feel the burn it must be Vern" PERKY 2011

Submitted by dementa on Fri, 10/21/2011 - 8:18pm.

Has she commented on the drunken lesbian incest smooches?

*********

I'm here to kick ass and drink tea. And I'm all out of tea.

Submitted by becky n sydney on Fri, 10/21/2011 - 7:14pm.

LOL @ everything Vern has posted throughout this entire thread!!!

HB to Manfred Mann

Submitted by becky n sydney on Fri, 10/21/2011 - 7:10pm.

The Cunt of Monte Crisco

HB to Manfred Mann

Submitted by jaariel on Fri, 10/21/2011 - 6:58pm.

Damn, WO looks like Gollum in that pic

Submitted by Manimal5 on Fri, 10/21/2011 - 6:40pm.

LOL at all the funny book titles you guys came up with!

All I can think of is Dina in Delusional Land.

Words can not describe the loathing and disgust I have for this woman.

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Love my way, it's a new road
I follow where my mind goes

Submitted by daROCK on Fri, 10/21/2011 - 6:38pm.

Michael K ROCKS, where the fuck have I been? Dude knows how to have fun with words! Keep up the GR8 work!

Submitted by daROCK on Fri, 10/21/2011 - 2:52pm.

Dilo is a fucking idiot who needs to be Chris Browned into REALITY! I hope one day she realizes what a damn Hollyweird whore she is and that nobody gives a shit about her late child support payments or the alleged abuse the family suffered from Milo! She deserved everything she got from him and more.

Submitted by beakers bitch on Fri, 10/21/2011 - 2:50pm.

"How could I deny my daughter the chance of a lifetime? How could I hold Lindsay back from her dream of becoming an actress? So, I listened to others and sent my daughter to Hollywood with a few pieces of luggage and a chaperone."

Because you're the fucking parent, asshole. If I asked my little one what SHE wanted for dinner, we'd be having Chicken McNuggets from McRaunchy's every damn night. Sometimes you have to be the bad guy and do what's best for your kids and not bend to their will all the time and say No once in awhile. Ya dumb, fucking cow.

Submitted by sweet_b on Fri, 10/21/2011 - 1:26pm.

Submitted by deadhead on Fri, 10/21/2011 - 12:01pm.
White Oprah vs. Kris? Hmmm... Tough call. On one side you have a deluded addict that uses her daughter to fuel her addiction. On the other, you have an honest to goodness pimp, whoring out her daughters. By default, I say, White Oprah is the better mom. At least she has a disease (undiagnosed) to blame for her shittiness.

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That is a tough one. I mean both are whoring out their daughters to re-live their lost moments. I just don't know who is better... I'm actually going to go with Kris on this one. Lindsay was just a kid and her mother was partying and doing Coke with her. Kris on the other hand was actually a hands on mom and then discovered that her favorite daughter Kim actually likes being a whore and so she decided to make her the best whore EVER...So in the end Kris is just really being supportive LOL

Submitted by idiots drive me loco on Fri, 10/21/2011 - 1:11pm.

Crack on a Hot Tin Spoon
No Country for Sober Starlets
As I Lay Smoking Meth
The Meth Diaries
☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆
Daniel Craig looks like he'd angry sex you into a coma!--astute observation by ISprainedMyUvula

Submitted by Gay Carrington on Fri, 10/21/2011 - 12:42pm.

For the Dina fans. XX,Gay

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=lhBel5cwJvY

Submitted by Joe Dabb Babbalucci on Fri, 10/21/2011 - 12:31pm.

It would be nice to send LiLo to jail for the full sentence. Da Judge sounded pissed. It may happen. If this occurs, what will WO do?

Submitted by Gardening Girl on Fri, 10/21/2011 - 11:46am.

Paris Sucks Literally

I will NOT be voting for Baca next time. Tired of this shit! Only the nameless poor go to the clink while these shamelss losers get barely a slap on the wrist and let go to offend again!

Submitted by caprica six on Fri, 10/21/2011 - 11:45am.

"A Million Little Enablers and I Know Why The Coke Bird Snorts)

LmfaooO Omg Mk

_____
Bugs Bunny 'What's Opera, Doc?"- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2VMqQ6XnmI (Beginning portion)
Dre,Eminem, Skylar- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VA770wpLX-Q&ob=av3e

Submitted by parissucksliterally on Fri, 10/21/2011 - 11:44am.

EC, I sure as fuck emailed the Sheriff! This is not the first time. I also live in L.A., so I mentioned I will NOT VOTE for Baca because of all the shit he lets celebs get away with.

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"She's supposed to be an actress, from what I hear."
-Judge Stephanie Sautner

Submitted by Albatross on Fri, 10/21/2011 - 11:40am.

"I Know Why The Coke Bird Snorts" - HAW!

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"I prefer my pieces the same way I prefer my Slim Jims, long, lean and mute" --the incomparable MK

Submitted by TexnDoc on Fri, 10/21/2011 - 11:35am.

Haha reading here. Caption This today should be replaced with Name That Biography.

I Know Why The Coke Bird Snorts

You win MK but are ineligible.

Submitted by Migraineuse on Fri, 10/21/2011 - 11:18am.

The nice thing about my floor is that it's made of pine which is so scratched and cracked everywhere that it actually affords good traction, even though it looks like hell.

What's the Open Post today? or is this it?

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Sounds like what an Old French Whore might offer. "Yeeees, I will au vin your coq and for a few francs more also shia laboeuf...." --- ImpertinentVixen

Submitted by ISprainedMyUvula on Fri, 10/21/2011 - 11:15am.

Submitted by Migraineuse on Fri, 10/21/2011 - 12:41pm.

Now I feel like I can get something done.

****

Just don't let that "something" be a triple salchow on your freshly waxed floor resulting in a broken hip.

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Try to be original, like the Colonel Sanders (may he rest in peace with his secret spices and shit). - urmomma

Submitted by Migraineuse on Fri, 10/21/2011 - 11:11am.

I just got back from waxin my damn floor and scraping cat hair outta the drain to find a whole bunch more funny-ass book titles. Thanks for the chuckles, fellow Dlisters.

Damn floor waxing sucks. At least I feel all virtuous now. You know how you can't concentrate in a messy room? Now I feel like I can get something done.

*______________________________________*

Sounds like what an Old French Whore might offer. "Yeeees, I will au vin your coq and for a few francs more also shia laboeuf...." --- ImpertinentVixen

Submitted by babybunny on Fri, 10/21/2011 - 11:00am.

damn, this whore is too much to even make fun of...I mean what mother does this shit???? Fuck, I wish we could burn bitches at the stake again...cause this whore is THE WORST...Pimp Mama Kris is very very horrible too, Papa Joe and his pedo ass is bad too, but this cunt trumps them all! All the finger pointing, whore you partied with your daughter, you thrived off of her...whore, you did drugs and drank with her..SLUT YOU ENCOURAGED IT!!! Fuck, I hate this whore so much..more than her deluded dying younger daughter, and her cracked out older daughter...fuck, no hope in the universe if you are born a HOhan...you might as well kill yourself quickly cause this slut will sell you down the river for a pint of vodka...obviously.

Submitted by deadhead on Fri, 10/21/2011 - 10:55am.

Ali's Adventures Through The Thing Mom and Linds Snort Shit Off Of

by Lewis Carrol

Submitted by Momus the Sarcastic on Fri, 10/21/2011 - 10:55am.

A Tale of Two Shitties

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“It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations, if you live near him.” J.R.R. Tolkien.
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Submitted by deadhead on Fri, 10/21/2011 - 10:46am.

Are You There Mom, It's Me Ali?

Lohanimal Farm

Confederacy of Lohans (I replaced Dunces with Lohans)

The Day of the Lohans

A Prayer For Lohan Weenies

Submitted by Momus the Sarcastic on Fri, 10/21/2011 - 10:44am.

Didn't Jennifer Anniston sue her mom for writing a memoir about her?