The Next Life White Oprah Will Ruin Gets Her First Cover!
Since Lindsay Lohan can't even get a job scaring the bowels out of a bitch with her "Ayes Snort Your Brainz" face at Knott's Scary Farm, White Oprah needs somebody to be the main coke winner of the family since the ball of Vicodin mash in her head gets an allergic reaction every time it thinks of getting a real job to support her family. And the only cure for that allergy is to a shove a Neti Pot full of vodka up the swollen anus on her nose. Who's going to pay for her medicine?! That's where 17-year-old Ali Lohan comes in.
As you've already laughed your lungs out, Ali was signed to NEXT Model Management back in August and was called a future fashion icon by her agent (who obviously said this after staring deep into the crystal meth ball). And now here's the future of fashion ("But I want to live in the past..." - fashion) on something called Fault Magazine with a rayon dutch boy wig on her head and an ear full of White Oprah screaming at her to pose faster, because they need to get to the plastic surgeon's office so he can make her even skinnier by lipoing out the fatter pieces of her soul.
I pains me to say this, especially as a Barbizon alumni, but some of these pictures aren't as awful as I'd think they would be. Yes, in some these shots she looks like a malnourished Gorn in Blade Runner drag. But the freckled wonder sort of pulls it off in other pictures.
This is still a freckled-splattered wrong and White Oprah should be charged under the anti-terrorism act. I mean, this photo shoot is funding the Lohan's famewhoring ways. Case closed!
via Daily Mail
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Is that a sheer lace dickey with an abstract pattern or her fucking skin?
I don't believe shit/fart jokes are bad on a site like this. I think they're FABULOUS and essential to people who are trying to lose weight and feel disgusted when they are trying to eat lunch and think about a turd.
Especially on a post where someone looks like they shotgunned their loose butthole paint all over the "model's" chest.
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Submitted by A Dlister on Tue, 04/26/2011
SFRB, I know I do not speak for only myself when I say that was probably one of the grossest things I have ever read, and you have no class whatsoever.
Submitted by TOPANGA on Thu, 10/20/2011 - 11:14am.
For a second I thought the cover of the magazine said "FAIL" and I thought to myself "oh, how fitting"
lol, me too
I just can't with this family...what is up with the overdose of freckles....yuck...a few are sexy but she looks diseases...and that new nose...yeah, this mother should get mother of the ho stroll year....what the fuck kind of mother does these things to her offspring??? OH, yeah, a slut monster coke whore mother...Nana needs to take custody cause Dina is a massive fuck up...and her shit stain father is almost just as bad...fuck, I want to and really do hate Hohan and her anorexic half dead sister, but with parents like that...they never stood a chance.
So this is what all that plastic surgery was for? Is she the foil to Andrej Prejic?
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Eazy E's own prescription for "nourishing the inner aspect", Nutz On Ya Chin.
This girl is not attractive. She was sort of cute before the plastic surgery made her look like a tranny and the weight loss made her look like a fucking scarecrow. I wish all parties involved would stop exploiting this girl and fooling her into thinking she's the Next Big Thing and beautiful. She's neither. This shit is painful to watch.
@ ba-buttons - not legal yet ya perv, lol.
Confetti! Yay!
Now will somebody properly Photoshop and fix the title of that rag (magazine?)? It should read: "FOUL".
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Fair is foul and foul is fair..
For a second I thought the cover of the magazine said "FAIL" and I thought to myself "oh, how fitting"
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"I was half a virgin when I met him!"
-Mean Girl,Regina George
Fault Magazine: the irony. It's never a Lohan's fault.
that freckled neck and chest is grossing me out...
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"The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it." --
Roseanne Barr
IF: I agree. It reminds me of Patrick Nagel's prints.
I'm not hating on Ali or her freckles. My heart really goes out to her, because so far, she seems like a decent kid. Hopefully she will avoid the pitfalls her mother seems to be setting up for her.
She looks like a plucked chicken.
Submitted by SugarFreeRedBull on Thu, 10/20/2011 - 10:35am.
Evil Cupcake - OH MAH GAH A SHIT JOKE!
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*sheepishly*
Is that bad???????
OK, who the hell did WO blow in order for her average-in-every-way daughters to get so many opportunities and SO much exposure?
This post is another case of MK's commentary being FAR more interesting than the subject matter at hand.
Nice "one eye" pose, BTW... The anti-illuminati crowd is sure to get up-in-arms over that one. Those Lohans are just sooooooo keeeewwwlll...
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WORDS MEAN NOTHING, fashion speaks volumes. -MK
These freckles may not be sun damage at all. Aren't the Lohans of Irish Catholic stock? This look is fairly common with fair skinned Celts, it has nothing to do with the sun at all. In fact, many avoid the sun like the plague. I know several people with this speckled-situation.
I actually like this shoot because it reminds me of the model shoots in the 80s that I used to watch in the parks of Paris, when I was au-pairing. This whole look is hugely 1984-1989 and I can't hate on my teen years and the whole look that came with it!
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Dark-sided!
She looks good. I hope she has enough sense to fire her mom as her manager though.
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"Bye, Whore" -MK
Truth be told I am pleasantly surprised. She looks mildly interesting in these pics.
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Rusty, tu nous manque! Sois gentil et donne-nous de tes nouvelles!
I just ran through three brand new Sharpies trying to connect all of those gross freckles and still didn't get them all!
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www.charitywater.org
www.theanimalrescuesite.com
www.modestneeds.org
No matter how hard Lilo and Ali fight the ginge, their freckles will always reveal their true identity.
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"He had an okay body. Not fat at all. And naturally toned abs. She could pour a shot of tequila down his belly and slurp it out of his navel without getting splashed in the face." - A Shore Thing, by the
Could'nt they have waited until her measles cleared up before taking the photos?
No. This girl is NOT a model. No way in hell should she be one.
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"She's supposed to be an actress, from what I hear."
-Judge Stephanie Sautner
Those freckles can't be real.
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I refreshed the page and my PENIS WAS GONE! -- SugarFreeRedBull, MicroPenis Advocate
There's nothing wrong with her, but she ain't model material...
Looks like her plastic surgery has settled.
Figures they'd put a wig on her...the girls hair is all sorts of wrecked with her starving herself and all. Oh and dayum those Lohan girls are FRECKLED.
Not buying her as a model...only reason she's got work is because of her scabby sister. You'd think they'd run away from anything with the Lohan name...but no.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
-Mitch Hedberg
I like her freckles. I like that they're showing them off instead of covering them up, like most seem to do.
** http://feministguidetohollywood.blogspot.com **
Morning Dlisters!
She looks stooooopid and is definitely NOT model material BUT her front teeth look good!
So I guess it's official - she dropped out of high school?
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"I've got a strong stomach and no standards to speak of" - MK 2/5/11
LOL @ Few Words!
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"Basically, Murlonio means "from Rob's ass" in Dumfuckanese." MK
"WE ARE THE TRIFECTA OF HATE ENTER THE TRIANGLE." Sucky 6/14/11
Evil Cupcake - OH MAH GAH A SHIT JOKE!
Once I received a "Citation" in Junior High for telling the teacher (who wouldn't excuse me to go to the restroom) that I had the "Wall Splatters" and he'd be sorry.
Someone had their detox wall splatters all over Ali's Chest.
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Submitted by A Dlister on Tue, 04/26/2011
SFRB, I know I do not speak for only myself when I say that was probably one of the grossest things I have ever read, and you have no class whatsoever.
Why does the fashion industry try to push very average or meh-looking people as icons? Ali is not ugly by any means, be she is definitely no Grace Kelly
I'd tap that. She's kind of stemmy and coltish.
Lindsay revels in her dysfunction. Ali looks much more scarred by it which would result in some freaky, angry 'fuck me daddy' sex which is always fun.
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"...Foster may have cracked under the pressures of being the world's leading Gordon Ramsay-lookalike-sex-dwarf..."
What a low-rent gig. Fault magazine doesn't even rate a Wikipedia article.
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“It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations, if you live near him.” J.R.R. Tolkien.
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Freckles don't bother me, but why did they adjust the photo to make them look like her sister's meth-head pick marks?
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Submitted by A Dlister on Tue, 04/26/2011
SFRB, I know I do not speak for only myself when I say that was probably one of the grossest things I have ever read, and you have no class whatsoever.
what in jackson pollock hell is going on w/ her?
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♦ When all else fails, they call me.
♦ Life sucks. Shit Happens. I'm a student of t-shirts.
Looks like she has skat play gone wrong on her chest. Or is it skat play gone right????!!!!
Good lord, girl's got some speckles.
Doesn't look like she was trying at all in most of these shots. She looks like she's adjusting the wig in a few of them.
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Masturbation is not a GD game of Clue, there is no reason to head to the broom closet with a rope and a lead pipe. --michelleb
Clinique Skin Corrector. GET. IT.
Oh, and BTW, I have a friend with a freckle on her f*ckin eyeball.
AL, *side-eyes YOUKNOWWHO* lol
You have very big shoes to fill. I hope you can handle smokin the glass dick better than big sissy.
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"I wonder if Viola adopted a white baby because no one seems to want them anymore. *LOL* ~ stefystef, 10/19/2011
Submitted by Hekki on Thu, 10/20/2011 - 10:23am.
And what IS it with all these obscure hipster magazines lately? I thought print was dead. Or maybe they're vanity projects by PR companies to showcase their clients.
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You've pretty much nailed it. I have a friend who worked for one of these "obscure hipster mags". Super glossy, expensive looking shit, which was available for free at local hipster spots around the city. It was started by some rich kid whose family developed condos in the downtown core - the same area where the rags were available.
I thought freckles were cute until now.
I'm boycotting the Lohans.
Speckly freckly freeeeeeeeq. In some of these shots she looks a little Kate Winslet in the face.
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who sharted on this bitch nasty chest?
the skin damage is disgusting. it really ruins the pic for me.
Poor kid remind me of some kids I went to school with. Their moms never made them wear sunscreen to the pool and every year they'd end up looking like a dalmation.
For a while, I was really into chicks with freckles. And I sometimes think that Ali looks decent but DAMN!!, she looks like a fucking drag queen. I think she looked better before she started trying so much. Bitch went overboard and now she can't come back.
Poor Ali she's never gonna measure up according to WO's fucked up scale of success.
OH CHEEZUZ! That cover pic I though she had on some speckled kind of shirt on or some shit. OMG!
And what IS it with all these obscure hipster magazines lately? I thought print was dead. Or maybe they're vanity projects by PR companies to showcase their clients.
If I were in PR, I'd create an "exclusive" artsy high-quality glossy filled with articles written by, photos taken by, featuring interviews with my clients.