It’s Dolly Time!

October 20, 2011 / Posted by:

Not that kind of dolly. So you can close your open palm, because I don’t have any tiny paper cups full of barbiturates with me.

It’s been Lohan overload today and the only cure for Lohan overload is Dolly overload! Leave your shade at the door, fall back into Dolly Parton’s beaded bosoms and gaze into the plasticized sun rising above her neck. Confirm for yourself that yes, lip liner around lip liner around lip liner is really the way you should decorate your lips. When you hold out your hands, Dolly will cry Silica gel tears that you can use to keep your beef jerky fresh.

These pictures of Dolly spreading natural talent and sheer beauty to her fans at the Hard Rock Hotel in Hollywood, FL is for all you hating whores out there who are constantly spewing shit like “But Michael, Helen Mirren and Meryl Streep are women of a certain age who are organically beautiful and aging with dignity.” To which I say, aging with dignity is overrated!

Besides, contrary to popular belief, Helen and Meryl are way more high-maintenance than Dolly. While Helen is brushing her hair with an opal comb (5 minutes), Dolly is taking hers out of the box and plopping it on top of her head (2 seconds). While Meryl is taking a long hot shower (20 minutes), Dolly is cleaning herself using a paper towel and a few squirts of Windex. Shit, if you’re in a rush, just drive Dolly to the corner of Colima Blvd. & Azusa Ave. and my cousins will Windex her AND your front windshield while waiting for the light to turn green. See. Dolly > Meryl

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