FYI: Jamie Bell Knows How To Please A Woman

11 years ago you were screaming “Dance, Billy, dance!” at Jamie Bell as Billy Elliot, and now suddenly you’re screaming “Flick, Billy, flick!” at an all grown up Jamie Bell. 25-year-old Jamie, who is twirling his tongue on Evan Rachel Wood nowadays, was asked by British GQ what he thinks is a skill every man should put on his resume. If you can’t see Jamie as anything other than a boy child who can dazzle any dancefloor with the shards of magic that shoot off of his toes when he dances, then you’ll want to cover your eyes and think of white tutus. Because Jamie leaped through puberty and gets the hornies all the time now. Spread your legs, grab onto Jamie’s handlebars ears and get some of this:

What’s the best way to impress a woman?
Buy her flowers? Take her home on the weekend to meet your mother? No. Let’s cut to the primal – be good in the sack. [Slaps thighs] Have an understanding of what’s going on down there and have fun, awesome sex.

What’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever received?
What’s the best penis I’ve ever seen?

No! Actually, what is the best penis you’ve ever seen?
[Collapses into laughter] That is a good question. The best piece of advice I ever received was “Don’t fuck your publicist.” Russell Crowe told me that. It’s probably a smart move. [Both of his publicists are now in the room, attempting to bring the interview to a close] No! It’s GQ!

What skill should every man have?
Skill? You know what I’m going to say. A man should have a good understanding of a vagina. He should be good at oral sex. On a woman.

You do realise you’ve got another publicist standing right behind you?
I don’t care. A skill a man should have? Making fires and pleasing a woman. In the vaginal area.

“In The Vaginal Area” really needs to be the title of Jamie’s memoirs.

Jamie should’ve just tattooed FIRE-MAKING HETERO on his forehead for those out there who didn’t get the point that he’s a pussy-eating heterosexual man who crushes beer cans on his forehead when he’s not taming the clit or making a fire. Jamie is so hetero that sometimes he crushes a beer can on his forehead while taming the clit and making a fire at the same time. We get it, Jamie. You’ve traded in pirouettes for pussy.

Jamie is right, though. I can only love a man if he knows how to eat a pussy. If he flinches when I scream, “YES! Eat that dick like a pussy!” at him, then I’m so not going to give him a good review on the customer satisfaction card he gives me afterward.

But really, isn’t making a fire and orally pleasing a lady sort of the same thing. That’s what it looks like in straight porn, anyway. The dude gets really close to the lady’s coochie, handles it gently with his fingers at first and then rubs it really, really hard while blowing on it. I always wait for him to use a mirror to shine sunlight at her coochie so it starts to spark and he can finally make s’mores on it later.

The only part of cunnilingus that is not like making a fire is when the dude spits on her clitoris. I know I’ve said this before, but for why must he do this?! That is not sexy. Unless the clit is dull or he sees the face of Michael Lohan on it, he shouldn’t spit at it! Have some common courtesy!