Shia LaDouche and the Kingdom of the Cracked Skull played on the streets of Vancouver over the weekend when Even Stevens took several blows to the head from a fat, hairy, topless dude. Yes, that does sound like the disappointing grand finale of a 2-star gay porn that will leave sitting up in bed with your laptop on your bare thighs, peach lotion in your hands, a light shade of azure covering your nutsack and a Post-It note tacked to the outside of your brain reminding you to never trust the porn recommendations of a friend whose go-to fap material is a scene from Fight Club. There’s nothing worse than the walk of shame from your bed to the bathroom when you’ve got nothing (read: cum hands) to show for it except for a lotion-stained laptop and a frowning peen hole. Moving on…
Shia LaBeouf’s resume just got another line added to it under: extracurricular douchetivities. Shia’s impressive credits already include a DUI, a drunken meltdown in the middle of a Walgreens, a handful of bar brawls and outside of Cinema Public House in Vancouver he added “get face checked by a drunk fat bitch” to that list. TMZ says that Shia got into a brawl of words with the punch thrower inside of the bar and after they were both kicked out, the hairy dude ripped off his shirt and went after him. That fat bitch punched Shia like he was a plain salad with no blue cheese dressing.
(Side note: Why do assbags always have to rip their shirts off before they issue a beatdown? It’s like the dick bag equivalent of the Hulk t-shirt rip. Do they think it makes their stupid asses look scarier? Or maybe they don’t have an in-unit washer dryer, so they’re not about to add another piece of clothing to their laundromat pile because they got the blood of Shia on it. I can understand that.)
Shia was finally saved by a poking crutch and another dude who really wanted to hug the rage out of him. Radar says that before this fight, Shia got into two other bar brawls at two different places.
Shia, get yourself together, girl! Doesn’t Shia know that every time he guzzles the sweet nectar to the point that it brings out the skid mark rage in him, his hot sessy mother has to grab him by the ear, drag him home and spank the foolery right out of his naked nalgas?! Oh, wait. So that’s what this is all about!