The Food Network’s Guy Fieri looks like a porcupine’s asshole suffocating inside of a douchebag and apparently his personality is just as pleasant. David Page, a former producer of Guy’s show Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives, spilled all of the alleged wet shit that falls off of Guy’s tongue to Minneapolis’ City Pages (via Queerty) and makes him sound like a blob of cuntified cholesterol that gets weirded out by gays, thinks all Jews pinch their pockets and has no idea that women have heads above their chichis.
Hell hath no fury like a scorned producer, because David claims that Guy forced Food Network to fire him from DDD and so now he’s telling everyone what a complete tool Guy is:
On women: “You have to protect Guy from all of his poop jokes,” Page says. “Anytime any woman mentioned ‘cream,’ Guy went into a sexual riff. When cutting the show, you had to tell the editors to watch Guy’s eye line, because it’s always on breasts.”
On gays: Fieri also needed protection from homosexuals, or at least advance warning. Early in the show’s run, Page got a phone call from Fieri, who’d just walked out of a restaurant in a huff. “
Guy had decided that the two men running the restaurant were life partners,” Page remembers. “He said, ‘You can’t send me to talk to gay people without warning! Those people weird me out!’” From then on, show researchers were required to note any indications of homosexuality detected during pre-interviews.
On Jews: “Guy said to me: ‘You know, it’s true: Jews are cheap.
Close up shots of gravy dripping over a giant chunk of steak fat is sometimes my idea of porn, so I watch DDD all the time. But Guy has always weirded me out with how he yells at us through the camera (like there’s a concert going on and he’s the only one who can hear it) and how he chomps on food with his food hole wide open. It makes delicious food look like disgusting food. If you recorded a wart hog taking a shit and then played it in reverse, that’s what Guy looks like when he eats.
Guy says that David made all of this up and none of this happened. But I’m going to choose to believe David by default. I mean, how can I trust a dude who willingly makes his head look like a swollen hemorrhoid growing on a cactus and doesn’t know how to wear sunglasses.