I almost titled this “You Can’t Keep A Good Bump Down,” but I am trying hard (and failing, obviously) to not use the bump word to describe the fetus super dome of knocked up ladies. Remember in the good ole’ days when hearing the word “bump” made your nostrils salivate as you ran to the men’s bathroom of some club to get a quick snort of some gross shit that’s used to put cats to sleep? Now hearing the word “bump” makes you think of babies kicking in wombs and shit. Cokeheads and tweekers need to take the word back from the BABIES!!! The babies take everything. I swear, even the word “bump” has gotten the Disney treatment. I blame Rudy Julie Annie (it’s Saturday, I’m not about to Google the correct spelling).
Anyway, here’s Beyonce in NYC throwing a fake Texas pageant smile at all the speculating hos who are sniffing at her stomach to see if it smells like burnt goose down feathers and rubber. Wait. Maybe that’s not a fake Texas pageant smile, maybe that’s a pregnancy fart smile. Which leads me to this wonderful butt jewel I found on Yahoo! Answers while researching pregnancy farts (“I am so proud of you!” – my mom):
“I have gas bad all the time and when I let out a big airy fart it feels sooo good! My husband hates the smell, but its so nice….that deflating feeling and seeing how loud you can make it sound. Plus it makes me giggle to see my husband run away from the blast….usually its the other way around.
I dont want to have sex, so it also comes in handy. When he tries to get it on I jut let some juicy ones rip and then I can relax again. One time I farted and left the house to meet him at the office, we came back to the house and when he walked in he gagged from the lingering smell. I was so proud!
Tell me, do you enjoy your farts as much as I do?”
The Internet: a special place where you don’t have to feel so alone about your love of pregnancy farts.